“Wow!” said Brownbeard at the conclusion of
Lloyd and Louise’s story.
“I’ll tell you something else young man,” said
Lloyd, leaning in towards Brownbeard. “But first,
come clean.”
“Come clean?” asked Brownbeard.
“About your eyebrow,” clarified Louise. “No
one just loses an eyebrow and then forgets how he
lost it.”
“That’s right,” agreed Lloyd.
Brownbeard apologized to his guests for not
telling them all he remembered. Deciding he was
among friends whom he could trust, he proceeded
to tell them about the strange events that had
happened, or that he thought may have happened.
Lloyd and Louise looked truly astonished.
“Well, today is indeed Saturday so far as I
know,” Lloyd confirmed.
Louise shook her head in the affirmative.
“I hope I’m not going crazy,” lamented
Brownbeard.
“You should see a doctor, or perhaps the
spiritual leader from your chosen religious
affiliation,” Louise advised.
“Perhaps,” Lloyd mused, “but they might not
be of much help to Brownbeard. This is a strange
world we live in, and little towns by the sea can
be peculiar indeed. Somebody or something may
be telling you to leave accounting. You might be
doing the right thing by becoming a pirate like
your cousin.”
Louise did not look so sure, but refrained from
adding further comment.
“But I’ll need to find a ship,” said Brownbeard.
“Well,” said Lloyd looking to Louise, and then
to Brownbeard, “as I mentioned before, the missus
has been keeping at me to take her on a cruise
around the world—”
“But you’ve got a great ship,” observed
Brownbeard.
“—on one of them fancy schmancy ocean
liners! If you’d let me finish,” said Lloyd.
“Sorry,” apologized Brownbeard.
“She doesn’t want to have to cook and clean
all day while we’re supposed to be seeing the
world. We would both like to go to one of them
big dinner buffets with one of them big dance
bands and cut the rug if you know what I mean.”
“I want to get off at exotic ports of call and do
some serious shopping,” said Louise.
“And I like to play some shuffleboard myself,”
said Lloyd.
“Sounds great,” said Brownbeard. “What will
you do with the For Sale?”
Lloyd looked at Louise curiously and whispered,
“A bit slow he is.” Then he told Brownbeard, “We
need someone responsible to look after the For
Sale.”
“Hmmmm. That’s interesting. Whom do you
propose?” Brownbeard asked.
“You!” said Lloyd and Louise.
“Me?” asked a stunned Brownbeard.
“Here’s my proposal,” said Lloyd. “You take
the For Sale for two years while Louise and I are
off seeing the world in proper style. That should
be more than enough time for you to establish
your pirating business. As your principal
investors, you split any ill-gotten or well-gotten
booty with us fifty-fifty.”
Brownbeard was ecstatic. His heart thrilled at
the prospect. But being a pirate with a business
background, he instinctively replied, “Ninety-ten
and you gotta deal.”
Lloyd looked like he had been mortally
wounded. “Why you cut-throat, scuz-ball, low-
down, swindling son-of-a-shrimp!” he shouted.
“Lloyd! Your heart condition!” Louise
screamed.
Brownbeard scooted back in his chair. He
thought Lloyd might lunge at him.
“Low down snake,” Lloyd hissed, regaining
some composure. Louise glared at Brownbeard.
Brownbeard was scared. He thought he’d
blown a fantastic opportunity being greedy.
Lloyd drew himself up in his seat, looked
Brownbeard right in the eye, and said, “Sixty-
forty.”
“Eighty-twenty,” said Brownbeard.
“Seventy-thirty,” said Lloyd.
“Seventy-five-twenty-five,” said Brownbeard.
“Seventy-two-point-five-twenty-seven-point-
five,” said Lloyd.
“Deal,” said Brownbeard.
“You son-of-a-sea-slug,” Lloyd said bitterly,
but then a smile crept across his lips as he
extended a hand to Brownbeard. The two business
partners shook hands.
“Louise and I can live with seventy-two-point-
five percent of your take,” Lloyd said with a grin.
“Hey! Just wait a darn minute!” shouted
Brownbeard.
“Relax! Relax!” soothed Lloyd. “I’m jesting!”
And then in an aside to Louise, “He’s not as slow
as I thought. That’s a good sign.”
“This calls for a toast,” beamed Louise.
“Hot chocolates all around!” shouted Lloyd.
Brownbeard relaxed and a smile set on his face
that would not fall off. Not yet anyway. “Gee-
whiz!” he thought. “I’m gonna be a pirate. I’m
gonna have a real ship to go a piratin’ in. Too
cool!”
“If you’re half the pirate that your cousin is,”
said Lloyd, “then even half of a half of a half a
percent will give us each double the King’s
fortune!”
“I’ll do my best,” said Brownbeard.
“Tomorrow we’ll go into town and get you a
paper maché eyebrow. Can’t expect to be taken
seriously as a pirate with a missing eyebrow,”
said Lloyd.
“I think it makes me look tough,” protested
Brownbeard.
Lloyd and Louise looked at him and shook
their heads doubtfully.
“We need a toast,” said Louise.
Lloyd and Louise looked expectantly at
Brownbeard. He was new at this, but he supposed
his future crew would expect him to make
speeches at the spur of the moment. B.B., with his
eloquence and wry humor, added to his already
considerable wealth with speaking engagements
all over the world during the off-season.
Brownbeard raised his mug of hot chocolate and
spoke:
To cruising in health, to pirating for wealth,
To sailing the seas wherever we please,
To seeing the sun set in places so new,
In two years time I give the ‘For Sale’ back to you.
Lloyd and Louise laughed and clapped.
“Wonderful,” chimed Louise.
“Aye! Aye! Captain!” hollered Lloyd. “You’ll
be a fine pirate. A pirate must be able to speak
lofty words when called to do so. No crew worth
its salt will show any loyalty to a pirate captain
who can’t wax poetic at the drop of a three-
pointed hat. What you lack in experience you can
gloss over with verbiage. That’s how things get
done.”
Brownbeard was not paying attention to what
Lloyd was saying. He was, however, quite pleased
with himself. He found out that he was an
excellent negotiator, and that he was not just a
man of numbers, but one of letters as well.
Brownbeard drank deeply from his mug of cocoa,
letting himself enjoy the warmth as it passed from
his mouth, down his gullet, to his tummy. He was
no longer Brownbeard the Accounting Apprentice.
Tonight was the first night in the life of
Brownbeard the Pirate!
Lloyd and Louise’s story.
“I’ll tell you something else young man,” said
Lloyd, leaning in towards Brownbeard. “But first,
come clean.”
“Come clean?” asked Brownbeard.
“About your eyebrow,” clarified Louise. “No
one just loses an eyebrow and then forgets how he
lost it.”
“That’s right,” agreed Lloyd.
Brownbeard apologized to his guests for not
telling them all he remembered. Deciding he was
among friends whom he could trust, he proceeded
to tell them about the strange events that had
happened, or that he thought may have happened.
Lloyd and Louise looked truly astonished.
“Well, today is indeed Saturday so far as I
know,” Lloyd confirmed.
Louise shook her head in the affirmative.
“I hope I’m not going crazy,” lamented
Brownbeard.
“You should see a doctor, or perhaps the
spiritual leader from your chosen religious
affiliation,” Louise advised.
“Perhaps,” Lloyd mused, “but they might not
be of much help to Brownbeard. This is a strange
world we live in, and little towns by the sea can
be peculiar indeed. Somebody or something may
be telling you to leave accounting. You might be
doing the right thing by becoming a pirate like
your cousin.”
Louise did not look so sure, but refrained from
adding further comment.
“But I’ll need to find a ship,” said Brownbeard.
“Well,” said Lloyd looking to Louise, and then
to Brownbeard, “as I mentioned before, the missus
has been keeping at me to take her on a cruise
around the world—”
“But you’ve got a great ship,” observed
Brownbeard.
“—on one of them fancy schmancy ocean
liners! If you’d let me finish,” said Lloyd.
“Sorry,” apologized Brownbeard.
“She doesn’t want to have to cook and clean
all day while we’re supposed to be seeing the
world. We would both like to go to one of them
big dinner buffets with one of them big dance
bands and cut the rug if you know what I mean.”
“I want to get off at exotic ports of call and do
some serious shopping,” said Louise.
“And I like to play some shuffleboard myself,”
said Lloyd.
“Sounds great,” said Brownbeard. “What will
you do with the For Sale?”
Lloyd looked at Louise curiously and whispered,
“A bit slow he is.” Then he told Brownbeard, “We
need someone responsible to look after the For
Sale.”
“Hmmmm. That’s interesting. Whom do you
propose?” Brownbeard asked.
“You!” said Lloyd and Louise.
“Me?” asked a stunned Brownbeard.
“Here’s my proposal,” said Lloyd. “You take
the For Sale for two years while Louise and I are
off seeing the world in proper style. That should
be more than enough time for you to establish
your pirating business. As your principal
investors, you split any ill-gotten or well-gotten
booty with us fifty-fifty.”
Brownbeard was ecstatic. His heart thrilled at
the prospect. But being a pirate with a business
background, he instinctively replied, “Ninety-ten
and you gotta deal.”
Lloyd looked like he had been mortally
wounded. “Why you cut-throat, scuz-ball, low-
down, swindling son-of-a-shrimp!” he shouted.
“Lloyd! Your heart condition!” Louise
screamed.
Brownbeard scooted back in his chair. He
thought Lloyd might lunge at him.
“Low down snake,” Lloyd hissed, regaining
some composure. Louise glared at Brownbeard.
Brownbeard was scared. He thought he’d
blown a fantastic opportunity being greedy.
Lloyd drew himself up in his seat, looked
Brownbeard right in the eye, and said, “Sixty-
forty.”
“Eighty-twenty,” said Brownbeard.
“Seventy-thirty,” said Lloyd.
“Seventy-five-twenty-five,” said Brownbeard.
“Seventy-two-point-five-twenty-seven-point-
five,” said Lloyd.
“Deal,” said Brownbeard.
“You son-of-a-sea-slug,” Lloyd said bitterly,
but then a smile crept across his lips as he
extended a hand to Brownbeard. The two business
partners shook hands.
“Louise and I can live with seventy-two-point-
five percent of your take,” Lloyd said with a grin.
“Hey! Just wait a darn minute!” shouted
Brownbeard.
“Relax! Relax!” soothed Lloyd. “I’m jesting!”
And then in an aside to Louise, “He’s not as slow
as I thought. That’s a good sign.”
“This calls for a toast,” beamed Louise.
“Hot chocolates all around!” shouted Lloyd.
Brownbeard relaxed and a smile set on his face
that would not fall off. Not yet anyway. “Gee-
whiz!” he thought. “I’m gonna be a pirate. I’m
gonna have a real ship to go a piratin’ in. Too
cool!”
“If you’re half the pirate that your cousin is,”
said Lloyd, “then even half of a half of a half a
percent will give us each double the King’s
fortune!”
“I’ll do my best,” said Brownbeard.
“Tomorrow we’ll go into town and get you a
paper maché eyebrow. Can’t expect to be taken
seriously as a pirate with a missing eyebrow,”
said Lloyd.
“I think it makes me look tough,” protested
Brownbeard.
Lloyd and Louise looked at him and shook
their heads doubtfully.
“We need a toast,” said Louise.
Lloyd and Louise looked expectantly at
Brownbeard. He was new at this, but he supposed
his future crew would expect him to make
speeches at the spur of the moment. B.B., with his
eloquence and wry humor, added to his already
considerable wealth with speaking engagements
all over the world during the off-season.
Brownbeard raised his mug of hot chocolate and
spoke:
To cruising in health, to pirating for wealth,
To sailing the seas wherever we please,
To seeing the sun set in places so new,
In two years time I give the ‘For Sale’ back to you.
Lloyd and Louise laughed and clapped.
“Wonderful,” chimed Louise.
“Aye! Aye! Captain!” hollered Lloyd. “You’ll
be a fine pirate. A pirate must be able to speak
lofty words when called to do so. No crew worth
its salt will show any loyalty to a pirate captain
who can’t wax poetic at the drop of a three-
pointed hat. What you lack in experience you can
gloss over with verbiage. That’s how things get
done.”
Brownbeard was not paying attention to what
Lloyd was saying. He was, however, quite pleased
with himself. He found out that he was an
excellent negotiator, and that he was not just a
man of numbers, but one of letters as well.
Brownbeard drank deeply from his mug of cocoa,
letting himself enjoy the warmth as it passed from
his mouth, down his gullet, to his tummy. He was
no longer Brownbeard the Accounting Apprentice.
Tonight was the first night in the life of
Brownbeard the Pirate!
The Adventures of Short Stubbly Brownbeard
Alan J. Levine
* * *
Chapter Eleven - Splitting Hairs
Buy yer hard copy
at . . .
at . . .
Want to support
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.
