Never before had so many folk come to the small,
little, tiny, diminutive, minuscule Third Semi-
Denominational Church of the Sea Faring Fool of
New Ferry. Everyone was there. Among the
numerous friends and family, Brownbeard’s
parents Greybeard and Mrs. Greybeard were
there, of course, as was Hazel’s mother, Polly
Anna from Savannah. Also, Hazel’s two sisters
Agnes and Willamina—they were there, too.
Snookie, Pitts, Fropenheimer and their families
were in attendance, as were all of Brownbeard’s
former colleagues. Lloyd and Louise took a break
from their cruise around the world to attend the
wedding. They were stunned and pleased with the
improvements Hazel had made upon the For Sale.
Now, Kumquat looked simply stunning as a
bride’s maid. She wore a wonderful peach colored
dress that Hazel designed to accent her tiger
markings perfectly.
“Wow! You look simply stunning as a bride’s
maid!” said Wilbert to Kumquat.
“Leave me alone you troglodyte!” hissed
Kumquat.
And as groom’s men, Wilbert, Schmoor, Felix,
Pedro and Pickles were the cat’s meow.
“You all look ridiculous!” spat Kumquat.
“Especially you troll.”
At the reception, Brownbeard was enjoying the
hot chocolate punch, talking with Hazel and long
unseen friends from university, when a sharp jab
got him in the ribs. He whirled about not sure who
or what to expect.
“So! I hear ye lucked out an’ did some good ye
wretch!” came Pappy’s raspy snarl.
“Pappy!” yelled Brownbeard. “I’m so glad you
made it!”
“Like I meself couldn’t ‘ave defeated dat
sorceress wit one hand tied behind me back if I
had a Mirror of Karma as well! La-tee-da fer you!
Here’s yer gift.”
“It’s so good to see you again Pappy,” said
Brownbeard.
“Pappy! I’ve heard so much about you,” said
Hazel.
“Ah! Me dear, beautiful lady,” said Pappy.
“Are ye sure ye don’t suffer from an eye ailment?
Can I refer ye back to me eye doctor in
Charleston?”
“Oh, Pappy!” laughed Hazel. “That’s so
sweet.” Then she kissed him on the cheek, which
made Pappy instantly turn twenty years younger.
But did you think I forgot the life of the party?
Did you think that the biggest, baddest behemoth
of the big blue blanked from me brain? Blast ye!
Of course Blackbeard and his whole motley and
moldy crew including Izzy, Squire Bob, Goat and
Five Pee were there! No one at the wedding could
miss them!
“Aye! The Gov’nor gave us an especial pardon
that says we can a-stay in New Ferry so long as
the wedding be on and we promise to behave
ourselves. Har! Har! Har! Har!” roared Blackbeard.
“Har! Har! Har! Har!” roared the pirates.
As the reception and party rolled and roiled
into the eve, Short Stubbly Brownbeard’s more
famous, more successful cousin took a break from
gabbing with Agnes and Willamina, and strode up
to the two newlyweds.
“Aye! Just look at ye, Missus Hazel! Ye are a
sight for sore eyes! My condolences on yer sorry
choice of a husband!” said Blackbeard as he
kissed his sister-in-law. Now of course
Blackbeard and Brownbeard are cousins, but
Blackbeard and Hazel decided to be brother and
sister-in-law anyway. So that’s the way it’s going
to be.
“Thank-you, B.B.! Thank-you,” said the
ravishingly gorgeous bride.
“And ye sea slimed dog! Look at ye! All tied to
the hitchin’ post! Git ye back to the accountin’
young man lest I have to blast your compeetin’
toy boat outta me sea!”
Brownbeard just smiled at his cousin. Then,
without warning, the massive man who was
Blackbeard grabbed up his cousin into a giant
squid hug and said to him, “Good for ye! Good for
ye!”
“Thanks B.B.!” were the words Brownbeard
tried to expel from his flattened chest.
Finally dropping his cousin, a dewy eyed
Blackbeard pulled from within his great cape a
nicely wrapped package.
“This be for the two of ya! I wish ye all the joy
and peace and love there is,” said Blackbeard
hoarsely.
“Thank-you so much B.B.,” said Hazel, hugging
her brother-in-law. “You really shouldn’t have.”
“Nonsense!” said Brownbeard. “Of course he
should have.”
“I’ll be a-seein’ ye two later,” said Blackbeard
as he glanced over to where Goat and Squire Bob
were talking to Agnes and Willamina. As he
walked away, he turned and said, “Ah —perhaps
ye might open me gift after I be a-gone. I don’t
want the others here feelin’ shamed by me
extravagance. Okay?”
“Sure, B.B.,” said Hazel. “Whatever you say.”
When Blackbeard was back to his conversation
with Hazel’s sisters, Brownbeard looked at her
and said, “Shall we open his gift?”
“Absolutely!” said Hazel.
The two tore into the beautiful wrapping.
“What in the world!” cried Hazel.
“I don’t believe him!” cried Brownbeard.
The two held a book about the size of a large
dictionary. It was titled Millions of Names To
NOT Name Your Children. Brownbeard opened
the tome up and immediately burst out laughing.
“Oh, no! Please!” groaned Hazel.
“What do you think of ‘Mortiss’? If it’s a boy
of course,” said Brownbeard.
“Stop,” said Hazel. “Just stop.”
“Or, for a girl there’s ‘Scombuilla’,” continued
Brownbeard.
“I said stop,” reiterated Hazel.
“‘Oderfil’—‘Astrosnot’—Oooh! I like that!
Sounds modern. Yes! Let’s name our first boy
Astrosnot!”
“No! Absolutely not!” said Hazel. “Give me
that cursed book!”
“Okay—well, how about ‘Smelcus’? Or
‘Crancid’? Hey! ‘Xor’! Sounds tough! I like that.”
“No! I said give me that book. We’re
exchanging it as soon as your cousin is out of
town!”
But Brownbeard stepped away just in time to
avoid Hazel’s hand swipe.
“Oh! Now he’s my cousin. But just a moment
ago he was your brother-in-law! I see. Ah! I see
you’re getting mad as well. Right! Too much with
the boys’ names? Let’s get back to the girls, shall
we?”
Brownbeard was backing up as Hazel came
after him.
“Let’s see—there’s ‘Mellapeena’—‘Fibulata’—
‘Snodila’—‘Sluffy’—actually, I think that could
work for a boy or a girl. Don’t you?” said
Brownbeard as he bumped into a table of hor’
devoirs, barely avoiding Hazel’s lunge for the
book. Or was that lunge for his throat? The guests
started to notice something was up. Blackbeard
pretended to not notice that anything was going on.
“Now for boys, here’s a great do it yourself
suggestion. Wait! Hear me out! This is good. Take
two disparate words and combine them! Like a car
part and a body part. Hmm—let’s see —ah, there’
s ‘knee’—and then there’s ‘distributor’—what do
you get? ‘Kneebutor’! I think that works!”
At this point, Brownbeard was in full gallop
trying to escape Hazel’s wrath, but still trying to
read the book. Guests hurriedly moved out of the
way as the two raced all over the lawn, in between
tables and chairs, yelling at one another.
“‘Snaverton’—That’s classy! He could grow up
to play professional golf someday! Whenever they
invent professional golf! Hey! There’s an idea!”
“Give me that horrid book! We are not naming
our child ‘Snaverton’!”
“What about ‘Barfton’? Or ‘Squirtuf’? There’s
‘Snorot’—‘Fundilfur’—‘Knobeth’—‘Boogin’—
Hey! Whoaaa!”
Hazel tackled Brownbeard as he was trying to
take the corner of the dessert table a bit too tight.
“We are not naming our children with names
from this book! What did you not understand
about the title?” said Hazel as she snatched the
book from Brownbeard’s hands, thumped him on
the top of the head with it, and then ran. Head a bit
woozy, Brownbeard jumped to his feet and ran
after his bride.
“But I like those names! Give me the book
back!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“Yes! Please! Pretty please! Pretty please with
sugar on top!”
“Forget it!”
The guests watched in amazement as
Brownbeard chased Hazel all over the reception
area, up a hill, and out of sight. Blackbeard, who
had been hiding behind Agnes and Willamina as
best a man of his dimension could, slowly,
carefully, without an ounce of courage, peeked
out to see if the coast might be clear.
And so far as anyone knows, the two are still
chasing one another—and their children as well—
all through New Ferry. But don’t ask me what are
their kids’ names. I don’t know. Except for their
oldest boy. I know his name. It’s Felix.
The End
The Adventures of Short Stubbly Brownbeard
Alan J. Levine
* * *
Epilogue
Want to support
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
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1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
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through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.