Brownbeard sat patiently in the eyebrow
surgeon’s chair for over an hour while a long and
snazzy paper maché prosthesis was constructed.
There was a time, not long before, when such an
artificial eyebrow would be permanent. But to
Brownbeard’s surprise, advances in the field over
the last couple of years allowed him the option of
a removable eyebrow for just a little extra money.
“Why would you get a removable eyebrow?”
asked Lloyd. “When would you ever want to
remove it?”
“Well, I don’t know. Just in case,” replied
Brownbeard, not telling Lloyd that since his
conversation with Mr. Snookie, he was not sure
which look would be best from a professional
standpoint. Brownbeard did not want Lloyd to
think he was anything less than one-hundred
percent confident in the advice given. But just the
fact that Brownbeard would get a removable
replacement eyebrow left Lloyd shaking his head.
The next two weeks in Charleston dragged by
at a sea sloth’s pace. Brownbeard wrote to his
folks and told them everything. That way, when he
paid them a visit in a few weeks, some of their
shock and dismay might be spent. On his last day
at work there was a big party for Brownbeard.
Everyone wished him the best of luck with his
new job. Well, almost everyone.
“So, yer shirkin’ responsibility ta go off an’
steal from honest, hard workin’ men an’ women,”
said Pappy in disgust.
“Well, uh, no. That’s not who I’ll get my booty
from,” stammered Brownbeard.
“Well, who ye be takin’ from den?” Pappy
demanded to know.
“Ummmm, gee, Pappy—that’s a good question.”
“Course it’s a good question. Ye got an answer
ta match?”
“Well, I could search for buried treasure,”
answered Brownbeard.
“Ye gotta map wit de locales of buried
treasure, Brownie?” asked Pappy.
“No, not yet.”
“Not yet! Well when de ye propose ta get such
a map? De day before yesterday?”
“No,” answered Brownbeard. Boy! Pappy sure
had a knack for putting a damper on things.
“Ahhh! Ye’ll be back, Brownbeard,” said
Pappy with a chuckle. “If ye don’t get yerself
killed first.”
Brownbeard’s blood was beginning to warm.
He had a mind to tell Pappy that if he couldn’t say
anything nice, he shouldn’t say anything at all. But
just then Mrs. Snookie stepped in between them.
“Pappy, perhaps you should lay off the hot
chocolate and try a cold glass of milk,” said Mrs.
Snookie.
“I can handle me hot chocolate fine,” said
Pappy. “But I’ll be goin’. Good luck ta ye,
Brownbeard.”
“Thank you, Pappy.”
They shook hands. And that was that.
“Now, Brownbeard,” said Mrs. Snookie, pulling
him away from the harsh realities and ethical
dilemmas Pappy had brought to light, “While you’
re off pirating, I’d like you to keep an eye out for
some items for me.”
“Sure,” said Brownbeard.
Mrs. Snookie pressed a piece of paper into
Brownbeard’s hand.
“Don’t look at it just now. Come try some of
this shrimp pudding I’ve made.”
“Mmmm. Sounds delicious.”
Mrs. Snookie stopped and gave Brownbeard a
curious look.
“Yes?” asked Brownbeard.
“That’s quite an eyebrow,” said Mrs. Snookie.
“Have you always had it? I’ve never noticed it
before.”
“No, it’s new,” answered Brownbeard.
Mrs. Snookie beamed at Brownbeard. “Oh! I
just know you’re going to make a wonderful
pirate. Just remember us when you’re famous.”
“I will.”
“Ah! Here’s the man of honor,” said Mr.
Snookie, coming up to his wife and Brownbeard
with Clarence T. Fropenheimer by his side.
“Brownbeard,” began Mr. Snookie, “While you’
re out there pirating, we would like you to always
remember the good times you had here at Snookie,
Pitts and Fropenheimer.”
“I will. I will,” said Brownbeard reassuringly.
“The collegial atmosphere. The one-for-all-and-
all-for-one mentality that makes us one of the top
100 companies in the colonies to work for,” said
Mr. Fropenheimer.
“Absolutely! Absolutely,” agreed Brownbeard.
“Now then, step up to the banquet table,” Mr.
Fropenheimer directed.
Brownbeard was presented the sword he had
fought the 4 with just a couple of weeks earlier.
“This sword comes down to you from Mortimer
the Earl of Snookie. He was my great-great-great-
great grandfather, who acquired it in the Holy
Land while fighting to liberate Jerusalem from the
Infidel,” said Mr. Snookie.
“Oh, those horrible Infidel,” hissed Mrs.
Snookie.
There was a collective gasp of astonishment
from the gathering. Brownbeard thanked Mr.
Snookie. There was a large round of applause.
Mr. Pitts came up and joined his partners Mr.
Snookie and Mr. Fropenheimer besides
Brownbeard. The three principals of the company
drew Brownbeard away from earshot of the
gathering.
“Your job as a pirate will of course be to
secure riches for personal wealth and any
investors you might have,” said Mr. Snookie.
“Just please bear in mind our company has
numerous interests all along this coast line,” said
Mr. Fropenheimer.
“I will bear that in mind,” said Brownbeard.
Mr. Snookie handed a not-too-small black book
to Brownbeard.
“This is a list of those interests,” said Mr.
Snookie. “We would appreciate it if the people
and businesses in this listing be left alone.”
“Now those listings change often,” said Mr.
Pitts. “So make sure you’re on our mailing list to
receive quarterly updates on our assets and
liabilities.”
“Indeed,” said Mr. Fropenheimer, “We might
need you to not exclude a particular business from
receiving your pirating services.”
“I see,” said Brownbeard.
“Other than those on the list, we couldn’t care
less who you take from,” said Mr. Snookie.
“Yes! Good hunting!” chimed Mr. Pitts.
Brownbeard smiled weakly as he thumbed
through the book.
“There must be a thousand entries in here,”
Brownbeard observed.
“One-thousand-one hundred-and-forty-one,”
said Mr. Fropenheimer.
“Well,” said Brownbeard, “Thank-you all
again. I’m afraid I must be going as I have an early
start tomorrow.”
To himself he thought, “I’ve got to lose this
book. What kind of pirate do they think I am? A
pirate should raid and steal freely and impartially.”
Brownbeard managed to exit the party having
said his good-byes without making any express
promises. Tomorrow he would set sail with Lloyd
and Louise to visit their eldest daughter and her
family in Boston. From there, Lloyd and Louise
would leave on their luxurious cruise around the
world. Brownbeard would then be on his own to
find a crew.
surgeon’s chair for over an hour while a long and
snazzy paper maché prosthesis was constructed.
There was a time, not long before, when such an
artificial eyebrow would be permanent. But to
Brownbeard’s surprise, advances in the field over
the last couple of years allowed him the option of
a removable eyebrow for just a little extra money.
“Why would you get a removable eyebrow?”
asked Lloyd. “When would you ever want to
remove it?”
“Well, I don’t know. Just in case,” replied
Brownbeard, not telling Lloyd that since his
conversation with Mr. Snookie, he was not sure
which look would be best from a professional
standpoint. Brownbeard did not want Lloyd to
think he was anything less than one-hundred
percent confident in the advice given. But just the
fact that Brownbeard would get a removable
replacement eyebrow left Lloyd shaking his head.
The next two weeks in Charleston dragged by
at a sea sloth’s pace. Brownbeard wrote to his
folks and told them everything. That way, when he
paid them a visit in a few weeks, some of their
shock and dismay might be spent. On his last day
at work there was a big party for Brownbeard.
Everyone wished him the best of luck with his
new job. Well, almost everyone.
“So, yer shirkin’ responsibility ta go off an’
steal from honest, hard workin’ men an’ women,”
said Pappy in disgust.
“Well, uh, no. That’s not who I’ll get my booty
from,” stammered Brownbeard.
“Well, who ye be takin’ from den?” Pappy
demanded to know.
“Ummmm, gee, Pappy—that’s a good question.”
“Course it’s a good question. Ye got an answer
ta match?”
“Well, I could search for buried treasure,”
answered Brownbeard.
“Ye gotta map wit de locales of buried
treasure, Brownie?” asked Pappy.
“No, not yet.”
“Not yet! Well when de ye propose ta get such
a map? De day before yesterday?”
“No,” answered Brownbeard. Boy! Pappy sure
had a knack for putting a damper on things.
“Ahhh! Ye’ll be back, Brownbeard,” said
Pappy with a chuckle. “If ye don’t get yerself
killed first.”
Brownbeard’s blood was beginning to warm.
He had a mind to tell Pappy that if he couldn’t say
anything nice, he shouldn’t say anything at all. But
just then Mrs. Snookie stepped in between them.
“Pappy, perhaps you should lay off the hot
chocolate and try a cold glass of milk,” said Mrs.
Snookie.
“I can handle me hot chocolate fine,” said
Pappy. “But I’ll be goin’. Good luck ta ye,
Brownbeard.”
“Thank you, Pappy.”
They shook hands. And that was that.
“Now, Brownbeard,” said Mrs. Snookie, pulling
him away from the harsh realities and ethical
dilemmas Pappy had brought to light, “While you’
re off pirating, I’d like you to keep an eye out for
some items for me.”
“Sure,” said Brownbeard.
Mrs. Snookie pressed a piece of paper into
Brownbeard’s hand.
“Don’t look at it just now. Come try some of
this shrimp pudding I’ve made.”
“Mmmm. Sounds delicious.”
Mrs. Snookie stopped and gave Brownbeard a
curious look.
“Yes?” asked Brownbeard.
“That’s quite an eyebrow,” said Mrs. Snookie.
“Have you always had it? I’ve never noticed it
before.”
“No, it’s new,” answered Brownbeard.
Mrs. Snookie beamed at Brownbeard. “Oh! I
just know you’re going to make a wonderful
pirate. Just remember us when you’re famous.”
“I will.”
“Ah! Here’s the man of honor,” said Mr.
Snookie, coming up to his wife and Brownbeard
with Clarence T. Fropenheimer by his side.
“Brownbeard,” began Mr. Snookie, “While you’
re out there pirating, we would like you to always
remember the good times you had here at Snookie,
Pitts and Fropenheimer.”
“I will. I will,” said Brownbeard reassuringly.
“The collegial atmosphere. The one-for-all-and-
all-for-one mentality that makes us one of the top
100 companies in the colonies to work for,” said
Mr. Fropenheimer.
“Absolutely! Absolutely,” agreed Brownbeard.
“Now then, step up to the banquet table,” Mr.
Fropenheimer directed.
Brownbeard was presented the sword he had
fought the 4 with just a couple of weeks earlier.
“This sword comes down to you from Mortimer
the Earl of Snookie. He was my great-great-great-
great grandfather, who acquired it in the Holy
Land while fighting to liberate Jerusalem from the
Infidel,” said Mr. Snookie.
“Oh, those horrible Infidel,” hissed Mrs.
Snookie.
There was a collective gasp of astonishment
from the gathering. Brownbeard thanked Mr.
Snookie. There was a large round of applause.
Mr. Pitts came up and joined his partners Mr.
Snookie and Mr. Fropenheimer besides
Brownbeard. The three principals of the company
drew Brownbeard away from earshot of the
gathering.
“Your job as a pirate will of course be to
secure riches for personal wealth and any
investors you might have,” said Mr. Snookie.
“Just please bear in mind our company has
numerous interests all along this coast line,” said
Mr. Fropenheimer.
“I will bear that in mind,” said Brownbeard.
Mr. Snookie handed a not-too-small black book
to Brownbeard.
“This is a list of those interests,” said Mr.
Snookie. “We would appreciate it if the people
and businesses in this listing be left alone.”
“Now those listings change often,” said Mr.
Pitts. “So make sure you’re on our mailing list to
receive quarterly updates on our assets and
liabilities.”
“Indeed,” said Mr. Fropenheimer, “We might
need you to not exclude a particular business from
receiving your pirating services.”
“I see,” said Brownbeard.
“Other than those on the list, we couldn’t care
less who you take from,” said Mr. Snookie.
“Yes! Good hunting!” chimed Mr. Pitts.
Brownbeard smiled weakly as he thumbed
through the book.
“There must be a thousand entries in here,”
Brownbeard observed.
“One-thousand-one hundred-and-forty-one,”
said Mr. Fropenheimer.
“Well,” said Brownbeard, “Thank-you all
again. I’m afraid I must be going as I have an early
start tomorrow.”
To himself he thought, “I’ve got to lose this
book. What kind of pirate do they think I am? A
pirate should raid and steal freely and impartially.”
Brownbeard managed to exit the party having
said his good-byes without making any express
promises. Tomorrow he would set sail with Lloyd
and Louise to visit their eldest daughter and her
family in Boston. From there, Lloyd and Louise
would leave on their luxurious cruise around the
world. Brownbeard would then be on his own to
find a crew.
The Adventures of Short Stubbly Brownbeard
Alan J. Levine
* * *
Lucky Chapter Thirteen - A Farewell to Figuring
Buy yer hard copy
at . . .
at . . .
Want to support
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.
