They sat at a solid, round oak table in the For
Sale’s innards. Supper was a delicious chowder
of corn, potatoes, onions, celery, rice, shrimp,
scallops and squid. It was seasoned to
perfection with a bit of paprika, a dab of
crushed garlic, a splash of lemon juice, sprigs
of fresh parsley, and a smidgen of salt. They
drank cold lemonade.
“This is delicious,” said Brownbeard.
“Thank-you,” said Louise.
As they dined, Lloyd began to tell the story
of how they had met Blackbeard the Pirate and
how this most famous sea scoundrel had come
to their aid.
“I was probably a wee bit older then you
are right now. Louise and I had been married
just two years. We had three little ones.”
Brownbeard’s eyebrow raised up
questioningly.
“Our first two were twins,” explained
Louise.
“Aaaah,” said Brownbeard.
“I was farming some land about twenty or
so miles in from the sea. Place south of
Charleston but north of Savannah,” continued
Lloyd. “My cotton and peanuts weren’t doing
well at all. First it was drought. Not a drop of
rain for my plants to drink. Then the rains
came mighty strong. But the land was baked
hard, so the water just flooded everything and
then flowed on yonder, washing away
everything with it, including my cotton and
peanuts.”
“The mortgage was nearly six months past
due and the bank was threatening to foreclose
on our home,” Louise chimed in. “So there we
were with no money, precious little food, and
we were about to lose our land and house.”
“Hunting didn’t provide much meat,” said
Lloyd. “The poor critters were going hungry
from the drought. Even the crabgrass was
thirsty and brown. The deer were skinny like
spaghetti noodles running on swizzle sticks.”
“Oh, no,” said Brownbeard, shaking his
head. “What happened?”
“I was truly desperate,” said Lloyd. “I had
no idea what to do. I felt like a total failure.”
“Lots of people were in bad shape,” Louise
interjected. “You had no business feeling like a
failure.”
“Maybe so, but here I was trying to earn a
living and raise my family! I was going to lose
everything and be thrown into debtors’ prison.
So there I’d be locked away with no possibility
of release until my debt was paid.”
“But how can you earn any money to pay
off your debt while you’re in prison?” inquired
Brownbeard.
“That’s what I’d like to know!” said Lloyd.
“You’re between a rock and a hard place,”
observed Brownbeard.
“Between the undertow and a hurricane,”
Lloyd agreed.
Louise, looking sorrowful at the memory,
shook her head in the affirmative.
“So you see,” Lloyd continued, “that’s
where your cousin comes into the story.”
Brownbeard, forgetting his manners, put
both elbows on the table, and resting his chin
in his hands, leaned forward so not to miss a
word.
“Louise and I were sitting at home one
queer, dark night. There was no moon up. The
crickets and critters were raising their usual
racket. We’d just given the babies something
to eat and put them to sleep.”
“They went to bed crying because we
couldn’t give them enough to make their
tummies stop hurting,” interrupted Louise
with a tear in her eye.
Lloyd took Louise’s hand and gave it a
squeeze. Then he continued.
“I myself wasn’t going to eat anything until
morning, but I insisted the babies and Louise
get three meals a day. So there we were, a dark
eve with no moon, and all of a sudden
something grabs my attention. I say to Louise,
‘You hear that?’”
“But I didn’t hear anything,” said Louise,
“So I said, ‘No, I don’t hear anything.’”
“And I said, ‘That’s right! All the critters
have quieted down.’ So we just sat there and
listened to all that quiet. Then there came a
loud knocking at the door. I looked at Louise
and asked, ‘Now who in the world would that
be way out in this neck of the woods at this
time of night?’”
“And I said, ‘I don’t know,’” said Louise.
“That’s right! You did say that!” said
Lloyd. “So I went for my rifle and I go to the
door and ask, ‘Who is it knocking at my door
at this late hour?’ A voice on the other side
says, ‘We mean you and your family no harm,
Sir. We’re seeking food and shelter.’ Well, I
looked at Louise—”
“And I looked back at Lloyd—”
“So, I being a God fearing man, meaning
that I could not reject a person in need, opened
the door and let these two questionable looking
fellas into my home,” said Lloyd.
“They looked just like pirates,” said Louise.
“Yes they did,” agreed Lloyd.
“Go on,” Louise urged.
“Well, the men came in and bowed slightly.
I say to them ‘I don’t have much food. Times
are hard for me and my family. But I can offer
you bricks for bread and water for soup.’ And
the one speaks up and says ‘We’d appreciate
whatever you can spare, Sir.’ Can you imagine
that?” asked Lloyd of his guest.
“Didn’t sound at all like pirates,” said
Louise.
Brownbeard just smiled and nodded.
“I got to boiling water for the potatoes and
tea. I was fretting so because I knew we’d be
out of nearly all we had once we’d fed these
men even a small meal,” said Louise.
“But Louise served them soup with some
potatoes in it,” said Lloyd.
“Not at all flavorful,” said Louise.
“No, not at all,” agreed Lloyd. “We fed the
men some stale bread and weak cotton tea.
Then I got myself up and went to a secret
place I had made under the floor for our larder
and retrieved some Dutch chocolates I had
been saving for a special occasion. I offered
each of our guests a chocolate. Louise and I
each had one, too.”
“We had just received those chocolates
from Lloyd’s uncle as a belated wedding
present,” said Louise.
“She was none too happy about me sharing
those wedding candies with them pirates,” said
Lloyd.
“And I’m still not happy about it!” Louise
snapped.
“Well, at any rate, these two visitors stood
up and thanked us for our hospitality and that
was that,” said Lloyd.
Louise cleared her throat and gave Lloyd a
knowing look.
“Oh, right,” said Lloyd. “After the two
visitors left, Louise proceeded to beat the tar
out of me, screaming in my ear what a fool I’d
been for giving a week’s worth of food to these
two scoundrels, and that if the babies and she
starved to death they’d have me to thank!”
“Well?” Louise asked, looking at
Brownbeard. “Do you think giving a family’s
food away to two pirates is a good idea?”
Brownbeard squirmed in his seat. He was
not smart enough to answer an answer which
would satisfy both his hosts. He scratched at
his nose, then at his upper lip. He pulled at his
ear, and then he rubbed his forehead. Louise’s
arms were crossed and she tapped her foot
awaiting Brownbeard’s response. Brownbeard
scratched his nose again. He then proceeded to
repeat all of his scratching and pecking and
rubbing at his face, all the while saying,
“Hmmmm, well, now—that’s a tough one.
Gee. Hmmmm—hmmmm—”
“Jumping Jehosaphat!” spat Louise. “You’
re as loony and irresponsible as Lloyd!”
Lloyd looked at Brownbeard apologetically.
Brownbeard smiled a dumb smile, which was
about as smart a thing as he could do at this
point.
“Well, continue,” Louise ordered Lloyd.
“The next day I spent walking through the
woods picking for roots and weeds and other
edible plants. I even managed to catch a
scrawny squirrel for dinner. So I figured we
would eat at least one more night.”
“But of course Lloyd had less then a week
before he would be taken off to debtors’
prison,” said Louise.
“I was planning to head the family out west
before that happened,” said Lloyd.
“Hummph! Can you imagine that
Brownbeard? Me and three babies running
through the wilds in the Indian lands! Into
God knows what dangers! Three toddler
renegades fleeing the authorities with their
mommy!”
Brownbeard couldn’t help laughing at the
image. “That would be quite a sight,” he
agreed.
His heart raced in anticipation of Louise’s
angry response to his laughter. But Louise
joined Brownbeard’s laughter in kind.
Brownbeard sighed in relief.
“The following night,” said Lloyd, “another
strange mood came over the dark wood. It was
black as pitch out. And it was twice as quiet as
the night before.”
“How can silence be multiplied?” asked
Brownbeard.
“It can be,” confirmed Louise. “I know
because I was there and heard it for myself.”
“Then there came the same knocking as the
night before,” said Lloyd. “Well, I went for my
rifle, but I knew I wouldn’t need it. Just habit.
But I go to the door and say, ‘Who is it?’ And
a voice says, ‘We mean you and your family no
harm, Sir. We’re seeking food and shelter.’”
“So I open the door and in walk forty men
if I counted right, including the two who
visited the previous night! I say to them that
we got less vittles to offer them then we’d had
yesternight, but they seem to have more
mouths. But one of the previous eve’s visitors
says if we can’t feed them, then they’d take
care of us!”
“Now I was a bit scared,” said Louise.
“Yes, I was too,” admitted Lloyd. “Because
I had visited family in New York some years
ago, and the phrase ‘to take care of someone’
as used up there doesn’t necessarily mean the
same thing it does in the South. I wasn’t sure
which meaning was intended. Well, each one
of these forty pirates crowded into our small
house looked hungry. So I tell them there’s not
a thing we’ve got to which they’re not
welcome.”
“Including the chocolate,” said Louise,
winking at Brownbeard.
“But one of the previous night’s visitors
said, ‘We come not to take, but to give.’ Then
all of the men stood at attention, and in
through the doorway, ducking deeply as he
entered, came a giant dressed in black from
head to toe,” said Lloyd.
“B.B.,” said Brownbeard.
“Blackbeard the Pirate,” said Lloyd and
Louise in unison.
“Your cousin thanked us for the kindness
we had shown his men the night before. He
next proceeded to have a feast set up right
before our eyes! Right in our very own home!”
exclaimed Louise.
“It was amazing,” said Lloyd.
“They brought in tables and chairs, fine
linen and china, silverware, crystal, and
jasmine scented candles placed in golden
holders,” said Louise.
“B.B.’s got taste,” said Brownbeard.
“They brought in wonderful food which
they prepared right there under the guidance
of their very own French chef, Pirate Pierre de
Pureé of Poisson le Pouivre,” said Lloyd.
“They call him ‘Five-Pee’ for short,” said
Brownbeard.
“Well, Five-Pee’s got a way with the
vittles,” said Lloyd in admiration. “Anyhoo, to
make a long story a bit shorter, your cousin
thanked us much for the little bit of kindness
we had shown his men the preceding night. In
fact, he rewarded us quite handsomely.
“Now I’m not at liberty to tell you
everything he gave to us, but suffice it to say
Louise and I never need worry about money
again. We’ve been able to send our kids to
college, and we have bought this here ship to
enjoy. All thanks to your cousin, Blackbeard
the Pirate.”
Sale’s innards. Supper was a delicious chowder
of corn, potatoes, onions, celery, rice, shrimp,
scallops and squid. It was seasoned to
perfection with a bit of paprika, a dab of
crushed garlic, a splash of lemon juice, sprigs
of fresh parsley, and a smidgen of salt. They
drank cold lemonade.
“This is delicious,” said Brownbeard.
“Thank-you,” said Louise.
As they dined, Lloyd began to tell the story
of how they had met Blackbeard the Pirate and
how this most famous sea scoundrel had come
to their aid.
“I was probably a wee bit older then you
are right now. Louise and I had been married
just two years. We had three little ones.”
Brownbeard’s eyebrow raised up
questioningly.
“Our first two were twins,” explained
Louise.
“Aaaah,” said Brownbeard.
“I was farming some land about twenty or
so miles in from the sea. Place south of
Charleston but north of Savannah,” continued
Lloyd. “My cotton and peanuts weren’t doing
well at all. First it was drought. Not a drop of
rain for my plants to drink. Then the rains
came mighty strong. But the land was baked
hard, so the water just flooded everything and
then flowed on yonder, washing away
everything with it, including my cotton and
peanuts.”
“The mortgage was nearly six months past
due and the bank was threatening to foreclose
on our home,” Louise chimed in. “So there we
were with no money, precious little food, and
we were about to lose our land and house.”
“Hunting didn’t provide much meat,” said
Lloyd. “The poor critters were going hungry
from the drought. Even the crabgrass was
thirsty and brown. The deer were skinny like
spaghetti noodles running on swizzle sticks.”
“Oh, no,” said Brownbeard, shaking his
head. “What happened?”
“I was truly desperate,” said Lloyd. “I had
no idea what to do. I felt like a total failure.”
“Lots of people were in bad shape,” Louise
interjected. “You had no business feeling like a
failure.”
“Maybe so, but here I was trying to earn a
living and raise my family! I was going to lose
everything and be thrown into debtors’ prison.
So there I’d be locked away with no possibility
of release until my debt was paid.”
“But how can you earn any money to pay
off your debt while you’re in prison?” inquired
Brownbeard.
“That’s what I’d like to know!” said Lloyd.
“You’re between a rock and a hard place,”
observed Brownbeard.
“Between the undertow and a hurricane,”
Lloyd agreed.
Louise, looking sorrowful at the memory,
shook her head in the affirmative.
“So you see,” Lloyd continued, “that’s
where your cousin comes into the story.”
Brownbeard, forgetting his manners, put
both elbows on the table, and resting his chin
in his hands, leaned forward so not to miss a
word.
“Louise and I were sitting at home one
queer, dark night. There was no moon up. The
crickets and critters were raising their usual
racket. We’d just given the babies something
to eat and put them to sleep.”
“They went to bed crying because we
couldn’t give them enough to make their
tummies stop hurting,” interrupted Louise
with a tear in her eye.
Lloyd took Louise’s hand and gave it a
squeeze. Then he continued.
“I myself wasn’t going to eat anything until
morning, but I insisted the babies and Louise
get three meals a day. So there we were, a dark
eve with no moon, and all of a sudden
something grabs my attention. I say to Louise,
‘You hear that?’”
“But I didn’t hear anything,” said Louise,
“So I said, ‘No, I don’t hear anything.’”
“And I said, ‘That’s right! All the critters
have quieted down.’ So we just sat there and
listened to all that quiet. Then there came a
loud knocking at the door. I looked at Louise
and asked, ‘Now who in the world would that
be way out in this neck of the woods at this
time of night?’”
“And I said, ‘I don’t know,’” said Louise.
“That’s right! You did say that!” said
Lloyd. “So I went for my rifle and I go to the
door and ask, ‘Who is it knocking at my door
at this late hour?’ A voice on the other side
says, ‘We mean you and your family no harm,
Sir. We’re seeking food and shelter.’ Well, I
looked at Louise—”
“And I looked back at Lloyd—”
“So, I being a God fearing man, meaning
that I could not reject a person in need, opened
the door and let these two questionable looking
fellas into my home,” said Lloyd.
“They looked just like pirates,” said Louise.
“Yes they did,” agreed Lloyd.
“Go on,” Louise urged.
“Well, the men came in and bowed slightly.
I say to them ‘I don’t have much food. Times
are hard for me and my family. But I can offer
you bricks for bread and water for soup.’ And
the one speaks up and says ‘We’d appreciate
whatever you can spare, Sir.’ Can you imagine
that?” asked Lloyd of his guest.
“Didn’t sound at all like pirates,” said
Louise.
Brownbeard just smiled and nodded.
“I got to boiling water for the potatoes and
tea. I was fretting so because I knew we’d be
out of nearly all we had once we’d fed these
men even a small meal,” said Louise.
“But Louise served them soup with some
potatoes in it,” said Lloyd.
“Not at all flavorful,” said Louise.
“No, not at all,” agreed Lloyd. “We fed the
men some stale bread and weak cotton tea.
Then I got myself up and went to a secret
place I had made under the floor for our larder
and retrieved some Dutch chocolates I had
been saving for a special occasion. I offered
each of our guests a chocolate. Louise and I
each had one, too.”
“We had just received those chocolates
from Lloyd’s uncle as a belated wedding
present,” said Louise.
“She was none too happy about me sharing
those wedding candies with them pirates,” said
Lloyd.
“And I’m still not happy about it!” Louise
snapped.
“Well, at any rate, these two visitors stood
up and thanked us for our hospitality and that
was that,” said Lloyd.
Louise cleared her throat and gave Lloyd a
knowing look.
“Oh, right,” said Lloyd. “After the two
visitors left, Louise proceeded to beat the tar
out of me, screaming in my ear what a fool I’d
been for giving a week’s worth of food to these
two scoundrels, and that if the babies and she
starved to death they’d have me to thank!”
“Well?” Louise asked, looking at
Brownbeard. “Do you think giving a family’s
food away to two pirates is a good idea?”
Brownbeard squirmed in his seat. He was
not smart enough to answer an answer which
would satisfy both his hosts. He scratched at
his nose, then at his upper lip. He pulled at his
ear, and then he rubbed his forehead. Louise’s
arms were crossed and she tapped her foot
awaiting Brownbeard’s response. Brownbeard
scratched his nose again. He then proceeded to
repeat all of his scratching and pecking and
rubbing at his face, all the while saying,
“Hmmmm, well, now—that’s a tough one.
Gee. Hmmmm—hmmmm—”
“Jumping Jehosaphat!” spat Louise. “You’
re as loony and irresponsible as Lloyd!”
Lloyd looked at Brownbeard apologetically.
Brownbeard smiled a dumb smile, which was
about as smart a thing as he could do at this
point.
“Well, continue,” Louise ordered Lloyd.
“The next day I spent walking through the
woods picking for roots and weeds and other
edible plants. I even managed to catch a
scrawny squirrel for dinner. So I figured we
would eat at least one more night.”
“But of course Lloyd had less then a week
before he would be taken off to debtors’
prison,” said Louise.
“I was planning to head the family out west
before that happened,” said Lloyd.
“Hummph! Can you imagine that
Brownbeard? Me and three babies running
through the wilds in the Indian lands! Into
God knows what dangers! Three toddler
renegades fleeing the authorities with their
mommy!”
Brownbeard couldn’t help laughing at the
image. “That would be quite a sight,” he
agreed.
His heart raced in anticipation of Louise’s
angry response to his laughter. But Louise
joined Brownbeard’s laughter in kind.
Brownbeard sighed in relief.
“The following night,” said Lloyd, “another
strange mood came over the dark wood. It was
black as pitch out. And it was twice as quiet as
the night before.”
“How can silence be multiplied?” asked
Brownbeard.
“It can be,” confirmed Louise. “I know
because I was there and heard it for myself.”
“Then there came the same knocking as the
night before,” said Lloyd. “Well, I went for my
rifle, but I knew I wouldn’t need it. Just habit.
But I go to the door and say, ‘Who is it?’ And
a voice says, ‘We mean you and your family no
harm, Sir. We’re seeking food and shelter.’”
“So I open the door and in walk forty men
if I counted right, including the two who
visited the previous night! I say to them that
we got less vittles to offer them then we’d had
yesternight, but they seem to have more
mouths. But one of the previous eve’s visitors
says if we can’t feed them, then they’d take
care of us!”
“Now I was a bit scared,” said Louise.
“Yes, I was too,” admitted Lloyd. “Because
I had visited family in New York some years
ago, and the phrase ‘to take care of someone’
as used up there doesn’t necessarily mean the
same thing it does in the South. I wasn’t sure
which meaning was intended. Well, each one
of these forty pirates crowded into our small
house looked hungry. So I tell them there’s not
a thing we’ve got to which they’re not
welcome.”
“Including the chocolate,” said Louise,
winking at Brownbeard.
“But one of the previous night’s visitors
said, ‘We come not to take, but to give.’ Then
all of the men stood at attention, and in
through the doorway, ducking deeply as he
entered, came a giant dressed in black from
head to toe,” said Lloyd.
“B.B.,” said Brownbeard.
“Blackbeard the Pirate,” said Lloyd and
Louise in unison.
“Your cousin thanked us for the kindness
we had shown his men the night before. He
next proceeded to have a feast set up right
before our eyes! Right in our very own home!”
exclaimed Louise.
“It was amazing,” said Lloyd.
“They brought in tables and chairs, fine
linen and china, silverware, crystal, and
jasmine scented candles placed in golden
holders,” said Louise.
“B.B.’s got taste,” said Brownbeard.
“They brought in wonderful food which
they prepared right there under the guidance
of their very own French chef, Pirate Pierre de
Pureé of Poisson le Pouivre,” said Lloyd.
“They call him ‘Five-Pee’ for short,” said
Brownbeard.
“Well, Five-Pee’s got a way with the
vittles,” said Lloyd in admiration. “Anyhoo, to
make a long story a bit shorter, your cousin
thanked us much for the little bit of kindness
we had shown his men the preceding night. In
fact, he rewarded us quite handsomely.
“Now I’m not at liberty to tell you
everything he gave to us, but suffice it to say
Louise and I never need worry about money
again. We’ve been able to send our kids to
college, and we have bought this here ship to
enjoy. All thanks to your cousin, Blackbeard
the Pirate.”
The Adventures of Short Stubbly Brownbeard
Alan J. Levine
* * *
Chapter Ten - Pirate Vittles
Buy yer hard copy
at . . .
at . . .
Want to support
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.
