Brownbeard sat alone in his room that late
afternoon doing what he did best: second guessing
himself. Maybe they should rob The Emperor
blind. Wouldn’t cousin B.B. be proud of him then!
Ah, but Mom and Dad wouldn’t be so proud,
would they? But this Emperor guy! Just look at
him! Living in such resplendence and wielding
such power, yet he knows practically nothing
about how his very own Empire works! He
deserves to be robbed blind, and I could be just
the person to do it! On the other hand, I don’t
remember much from Sunday school at First Fishy
Church of New Ferry, but I do remember that
stealing is wrong. But on the other hand, how can
it be wrong to steal if you’re a pirate? Everybody
respects professionalism and integrity. What kind
of professional integrity would a pirate who doesn’
t steal have? Brownbeard’s brain was overheating
as the little cogs and gears up there grinded into
smoke.
“Ahhhhhhhhhh! Help! Help!”
“Ah, yes! Help indeed,” thought Brownbeard.
“Help! Help! Stop it! Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
“But who can help?” asked Brownbeard.
“Brownbeard! Help! Help!”
“Can I help myself?” asked Brownbeard.
“Hmmmm, I guess I could. Perhaps I should.”
“Stop it! Stop it you thug! Help! Brownbeard!
Help!”
Brownbeard scratched his nose and pulled at
his paper maché eyebrow as he listened to the
voices in his head calling for help. Well, it was
really just one voice. Brownbeard, problem
plagued though he is, is not schizophrenic.
“Please! Brownieeeee! Help me!”
“Hmmmm,” thought Brownbeard. “That doesn’
t sound like my voice.”
The voice was becoming more and more
muffled. It was fading and fading. Just a distant
cry about to go away completely.
“Brownieeeee! Help me!”
“Oh my! That’s Hazel’s voice!” cried
Brownbeard as he bolted to his feet, the hair on
the back of his neck standing on end. Brownbeard
rushed out of his room into the hallway and went
to open the door to Hazel’s suite. It was locked.
Brownbeard could hear thumping and banging
inside as if there was a struggle going on.
Brownbeard knocked on the door.
“Hazel! Hazel! Are you all right? Hazel!”
shouted Brownbeard.
There was no answer.
Brownbeard reared his booted foot back and
kicked at the door.
“Ouch!” shouted Brownbeard as the vibration
from the kick shivered from heel to knee.
Brownbeard pulled his heavy sword out and
with all his might, swung at the doorknob. The
knob was hewn apart like butter, yet still the door
was shut. Brownbeard gave it another kick. The
door did not give.
“Aarghhumph! Get off me!” came Hazel’s
voice from the other side of the door.
“Quiet! Be quiet!” answered the voice of The
Emperor.
Brownbeard was stunned. What was going on?
He lifted his sword and hacked away at the door
lock. Whack! Smack! Clank! The last stroke of his
sword tore its way through the lock, but the door
remained closed. Not realizing that he had finally
demolished the lock, an enraged and frustrated
Brownbeard took several steps backwards and
then threw himself with all his might into the door.
The door gave way easily and Brownbeard flew
through the room and landed with a thud on top of
The Emperor, who himself was atop Hazel. One of
The Emperor’s giant, meaty green hands was
covering Hazel’s mouth while the other was
working to tire the struggling lady. The Emperor
turned to look at Brownbeard.
“Get out of here Captain!” said The Emperor,
his cat eyes turning an ill yellow color. With one
hand, The Emperor threw Brownbeard off. “Hazel
is mine! I’m The Emperor. You’re only The
Captain. Now get out! You can have one of my
other concubines. Just get your room servant to
get you a menu.”
Hazel landed a nice smack right across The
Emperor’s cheek.
“Why you!” screamed The Emperor. “I’ll
teach you how my new Empress is to behave!”
“Get off now!” shouted Brownbeard.
The Emperor ignored Brownbeard as he and
Hazel wrestled. Brownbeard, using the flat of his
sword blade, brought the thick metal down hard
upon the back of The Emperor’s skull. More so
than the kick to the door, Brownbeard rang like a
bell as The Emperor’s amazingly hard head sent
shock waves down the sword’s blade, through the
handle, and into the pirate’s person. The Emperor
turned his head slowly to regard Brownbeard.
“I’m going to tell you one more time, and one
more time only,” said The Emperor with a chilling
calmness. “Get out of here and shut the door right
now.”
Hazel landed a solid punch to The Emperor’s
other cheek. The Emperor returned his attention to
her. Brownbeard prepared to die nobly as he
hoisted the sword above his head once more to
deliver a futile stroke against The Emperor’s head
of titanium. Clang! The Emperor turned and
looked at Brownbeard—the pallor of his face a
sickening greenish-yellow, his cat eyes blazing
with rage, his pointy canines looking a bit too
sharp, and his short black hair looking like a
hundred devil horns upon his head.
“Now that actually hurt!” said The Emperor.
“Sorry about that,” apologized Brownbeard.
“But if you could just get off the young lady we’ll
be on our way. We will not bother you any more.”
The Emperor laughed, “Oh! Captain! That’s a
good one! You, sir, certainly shall not bother me
anymore. That is true enough!”
The Emperor stood up and began to advance
on Brownbeard.
“Now Emperor,” began Brownbeard, “Let’s be
reasonable about this. Hazel and I are—ah—
engaged to be married soon and—uh, no, it’s not
that—we’re married already—I forgot—it’s that,
well, can you imagine the bad public relations
mess you’ll cause yourself if you kill me? After
all, I am The Captain, right? The fans want to see
me too, right?”
The Emperor took another slow, ponderous
step towards Brownbeard who took several
smaller, quicker steps away from The Emperor.
The Emperor’s hands were like those of a
velacoraptor, fingers curling just a bit as they
extended from The Emperor’s massive arms,
seeking Brownbeard’s throat.
“Emperor, sir! Think about the moral
implications!” shouted a desperate Brownbeard.
“Are we not supposed to refrain from killing one
another? Ah, I see you’ve no problem with that.
Quite right! I mean, how could we fight wars if we
worried about such an inconvenient injunction!
Silly!”
Brownbeard backed himself into a wall.
Brownbeard looked and saw that he might have
backed himself out of the open doorway and ran
like lightening if he’d kept his wits about him. But
if he was to die, which eventually he would
anyway, it might as well be while fighting for the
beautiful sand witch Hazel. Only two large steps
remained between The Emperor’s horrible hands,
his menacing meat-hooks, his perverse paws—and
Brownbeard’s pencil like neck.
“Ah! Consider this Emperor!” squealed
Brownbeard. “It might mean very bad luck for
you! Like breaking a mirror. Or what about the
mess on this nice carpet! Wouldn’t it be a shame
to ruin such a nice—”
Out of the corner of his eye, Brownbeard saw
an unexpected sight. The mast of a ship began to
rise off the balcony extending from Hazel’s suite.
The Emperor’s hands began to slowly wrap
around Brownbeard’s throat. Brownbeard saw that
it was the For Sale floating off the balcony. His
vision began to grow dim as The Emperor
throttled him. Desperately, Brownbeard poked
The Emperor in the eyes as he began to blackout.
Then, The Emperor let go of Brownbeard’s neck
with a scream of agony. Hazel held The Emperor
by a handful of hair. Temporarily blind, The
Emperor flailed in the direction of his tormentor.
“Hazel! Captain!” screamed Kumquat and
Wilbert from the deck. “Come on! Now!”
Hazel let go of The Emperor. Brownbeard,
struggling for consciousness and gasping for
breath, stood dazed. Then, he looked down and
saw his sword lying on the ground underneath the
feet of The Emperor who was spinning and
dancing around, covering his hurt eyes with one
hand, and swinging and smashing things at random
with the other. Brownbeard bent down to get his
sword.
“Let’s go now! Quick!” came the shouts from
the For Sale.
Brownbeard’s fingers grasped the handle of
his sword as The Emperor’s heel stepped squarely
upon his fingers. Hazel grabbed Brownbeard by
his short, stubbly brown beard and dragged him
towards the ship.
“Let’s go you dolt!” Hazel shouted at
Brownbeard.
Brownbeard cried in pain with stomped
fingers and stretched beard. The Emperor
stumbled after them, screaming for them to stop.
“Come back here! I’ll kill you all! Come back
here now! Help! Guards! Imperial guards! Help!
You’ll be sorry if you don’t come back here right
now!”
The Emperor pushed a button on his belt
putting the entire palace on a high state of alert.
Hundreds of soldiers from all over the palace
were now running as fast as they could to their
leader’s side. Brownbeard and Hazel sped across
the wide marble balcony and gaining the edge,
jumped over the three foot wide space between
the rails of the balcony and their ship. The two
flew over a drop descending for miles and then
over and onto the deck of the For Sale. Thud.
The Emperor almost fell over the edge of the
balcony as the For Sale flew away and dove down
for cover in the clouds. Soldiers poured onto the
balcony, racing to their Emperor’s side as he
gesticulated wildly in the fleeing ship’s general
direction. While The Emperor shouted and
screamed, soldiers fell all over themselves as they
readied for the chase.
The crew of the For Sale clung to whatever
was available to hold as Kumquat guided the ship
in a steep dive, plunging them into the top of a
towering cumulus cloud. Then, the shipped pulled
into a more level attitude as Kumquat headed for
a course directly away from the capital of Sa’
Laam and towards the ocean. There was nothing to
see but milky white all about as they raced
through the clouds. The wind rushed in everyone’s
ears.
“How did you all get the ship?” asked
Brownbeard.
“We asked to go take care of Kumquat’s
pets,” answered Wilbert.
“You’re timing was impeccable,” smiled
Hazel.
“We’re not out of trouble yet,” seethed
Kumquat. “Radar shows lots of pursuing craft.
We’ve got maybe a mile lead on them, but some
of them appear to be gaining on us. They must
have us sighted in their radar.”
“I know this is crazy, but could we attempt a
hyperdrive jump before leaving the atmosphere?
Or would we burn up?” asked Brownbeard.
“No, we wouldn’t burn up,” answered Hazel.
“A hyperdrive jump isn’t a matter of traveling
very fast. It’s a matter of space folding. We could
do it.”
“I haven’t had time to plot the course,”
answered Kumquat. “If I go by dead reckoning we
could come out near the event horizon of a black
hole, or just in front of a comet before it smashes
us into a billion pieces.”
“Hence the name dead reckoning,” mused
Brownbeard.
Schmoor and Wilbert giggled. Kumquat and
Hazel just stared at Brownbeard.
“With all respect Captain Brownbeard, don’t
be a doofus,” said Kumquat.
“Really Brownbeard, this is not the time for
levity,” said Hazel.
“Well, isn’t there something you can do
Hazel?” asked Brownbeard. “I mean, you are a
sand witch, right? What about your magic? Is it
just me, or is your magic getting weaker? Why’d
you have so much trouble with The Emperor back
there? Shouldn’t you have been able to take care
of him with one hand tied behind your back?”
Hazel frowned.
“I’m not all powerful,” said Hazel
defensively. “He was really strong. But no, I can’t
think of anything my magic can do for us right
now. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am getting
weak.”
“No thanks to you,” muttered Kumquat under
her breath.
“What?” said Brownbeard. “Did you say
something to me Kumquat?”
“No! She didn’t say anything, did you
Kumquat?” said Hazel, glaring at her cat.
“Kumquat, let Schmoor steer the ship while
you work on the co-ordinates,” said Wilbert as he
scampered to his position in the crow’s nest.
Schmoor took the wheel while Kumquat began
tapping at keys on the navigation computer. A few
tense moments slipped by. Finally, Kumquat
announced that the course was set and that
everyone should prepare for the jump.
Brownbeard made sure to sit down for this and to
hold on for dear life to his chair. Kumquat began
the countdown.
“Ten , nine ,eight—”
“Cloud cover is breaking up,” said Wilbert. “I
can see the ocean and blue sky ahead.”
“—seven, six, five—”
“Bogeys at eleven, twelve and one o’clock!”
shouted Wilbert. “They’ve got us on the bow!”
“—four, three, two—”
“And behind! We’re surrounded!”
“—one—now!”
The hyperdrive of the For Sale kicked in just
as everyone saw that The Emperor’s airship fleet
was closing them within a quickly shrinking circle.
The drive began to purr for an instant like a
satisfied kitten, and then began to choke and
sputter like a puppy dog coughing up fresh green
grass on a warm spring day. Grinding to a halt, the
smell of burning hyperdrive components
permeated the air.
“Son of a wimpersnap!” shouted Kumquat.
“Oh, no!” shouted everyone else.
The circle of airships tightened further. A
collision with the nearest airship and the For Sale
was a few seconds away.
“What happened? What is wrong with the
hyperdrive?” shouted Hazel.
“I don’t know! Before we left the docking
deck at Parking Port Number 76, I put Captain
Brownbeard’s traveling box in the hyperdrive’s
relativistic-quantum unifying warp cylinder to
replace the one we lost in our botched
atmospheric descent. All the other components
checked out okay!” screamed Kumquat.
“Ladies, gentleman, and beasts of the For
Sale!” came a voice over the loudspeaker of the
approaching airship. “You are hereby under arrest.
Stop your ship and put your hands up!”
Hazel looked at Brownbeard.
“You!” she shouted.
“Me?” said Brownbeard.
“Those rocks you were hitting off the deck the
day we sailed up the Bingabong River! Where did
you get them?” asked Hazel.
Brownbeard’s eyes widened in
acknowledgment.
“Oh! Dang! From the box I purchased at Ye
Olde Gift Shoppe,” Brownbeard said sheepishly.
“Ladies, gentleman, and beasts of the For
Sale! This is your last warning. You are under
arrest by order of The Emperor of Sa’Laam. Stop
right now or prepare to be blown out of the sky!”
“Brownie! How could you!” shrieked Hazel.
“We’ve got no hyperdrive!” screamed
Kumquat.
“Sorry,” said Brownbeard.
“Captain, their guns are aimed at our sails! It
looks like they’re readying to fire!” Wilbert
shouted down.
“We won’t be able to get home now, will
we?” asked Brownbeard.
Hazel looked at Brownbeard. It was a special
sort of look that she gave him. It was a look the
owner of a china shop would give a customer if
that customer were a bull.
Schmoor looked up to Brownbeard as if to
say, “What now?”
“Take evasive action!” Brownbeard ordered.
Schmoor pulled back hard on the wheel and
gave the For Sale full throttle. The ship’s bow
lifted straight up into the sky. Just then, the
airships of The Emperor’s fleet fired their laser
canons at the point the For Sale had occupied the
preceding moment. Like a firing squad standing in
a circle, the Emperor’s airship fleet managed to
take out half of its own number. Parachutes
opened up all over the sky as crew members leapt
from the destroyed airships. The other ships that
escaped from being hit gave chase.
The For Sale zoomed up and over until it was
upside down. Then, Schmoor gently rolled the
ship until it was back upright. They were heading
back towards Sa’Laam. The remaining airships
were in hot pursuit. Beams of red laser light criss-
crossed over and under the fleeing For Sale.
Schmoor did his best to make the ship a difficult
target. Kumquat, Wilbert, Hazel and Brownbeard
took their positions at the For Sale’s own laser
cannons. Fires began to explode on deck as enemy
shots found their target.
Schmoor, with no one to help work the solar
sails, used only rudder to pull the ship hard to port
and back as the For Sale entered a tight, turning
loop-the-loop. The Emperor’s airships were not
quite as maneuverable as their quarry. The For
Sale completed its loop under Schmoor’s expert
pilotage. Just like that, three of the enemy ships
which had been nailing the For Sale with artillery
from astern were dead ahead. Brownbeard and
Hazel continued to return fire aft while Kumquat
and Wilbert swung their gun turrets forward to
take on the three surprised Imperial airships.
“Good shot!” Kumquat yelled as Wilbert hit
his mark.
“Good shot!” Wilbert yelled as Kumquat
nailed her mark.
Hazel had the good foresight to arm the For
Sale with ultra powerful x-ray lasers. The two
wounded Imperial airships skittered off course
and would have to make emergency splash-downs.
The other enemy airship in front of the For Sale
began turning to port while at the same time losing
a lot of altitude. Schmoor followed and the blood
rushed to everyone’s head as the For Sale pulled
some serious negative gees. Brownbeard’s tuckus
came flying out of his seat as he held the handles
of his laser canon, continuing to fire at the
Imperial airships on the For Sale’s rear.
“Brownie, can you hold them for a moment?”
shouted Hazel. “I’m going to see if I can put out
the fires on deck before we lose the ship!”
“Go for it!” shouted Brownbeard.
Hazel got up and ran for the fire extinguisher.
The For Sale was in a steep dive as they pursued
the fleeing airship. More Imperial airships were on
their way to join the battle. From out of the clouds
in the distance, black dots began to materialize.
Brownbeard saw them first.
“Oh no! More villains on the way!” he
shouted. “There must be a hundred of them!”
Schmoor pulled the For Sale out of its dive
just before she would have smashed into the sea
like a raw egg on concrete. The airship they were
pursuing had evaded them and the other airships
on their tail were peppering them with more laser
blasts. In a few moments, the battle would be over
as the Imperial reinforcements drew nigh.
Hazel was doing her best to put out fires, but
more were springing up as hot red lightening
pegged the distraught For Sale. Schmoor groaned
in frustration. The ship was becoming less and
less manageable as it took on more damage.
Though no one said anything, they all knew the
options at this point—either they could surrender,
ditch in the ocean and be captured, or fight to the
death. The struggling crew of the For Sale fought
bravely on.
Then, as Hazel was looking up and saying a
silent prayer, something caught her eye. It was a
peculiar looking cloud high above. There in the
clear, deep blue sky where no other clouds were,
was a very large mass of puffy cotton glowing
bright white, the shadows within its folds
shimmering countless shades of blue and grey.
“Schmoor!” shouted Hazel excitedly and
pointing, “Head for that cloud! Hurry!”
Schmoor pulled the For Sale into a steep,
climbing turn in the direction Hazel had pointed.
The Imperial airships changed course to intercept.
Slowly, the cloud grew larger and larger as they
drew nearer and nearer. Though certainly a cloud,
it bore an uncanny resemblance to a castle.
“Wow! That’s a big cloud! Is it a cloud?”
asked Kumquat.
“If it’s who I think it is, then yes!” shouted
Hazel.
“Not—not—it’s not—” stammered Wilbert.
“No! It couldn’t be! Could it?” asked
Kumquat.
“I think it is!” shouted Hazel.
A fire was nipping at Brownbeard’s seat as he
struggled to return the fire of the pursuing
airships. He could hear the conversation on board,
but could not take the time to look back and see
what in the world they were talking about.
“What in the world are you all talking about?
My tuckus is about to catch fire and these guys
are getting closer!” Brownbeard shouted.
“Hang on Brownie! Help’s on the way!” yelled
Hazel as she sprung over to Brownbeard and
flushed his fiery fanny with a spritz from the
extinguisher.
The damaged For Sale struggled to climb
towards the gargantuan blob of cauliflower before
them. The Imperial airships continued to nail the
For Sale. Brownbeard did his best to hold off the
pursuing airships, while Wilbert and Kumquat
continued to battle with the Imperial
reinforcements about to broadside them.
“Ouch!” screamed Kumquat as an enemy
laser beam whizzed by her head. “You crumb!
You singed my fur!”
Wilbert giggled.
“You think it’s funny, troll? How about I do it
to you?” shouted Kumquat.
“Quit the arguing now or I swear I’ll shoot
both of you!” shouted Brownbeard.
“There! Go in there!” shouted Hazel to
Schmoor.
Schmoor pointed the ship for the tiny hole
opening from the bottom of the cloud. Chug, chug,
chug. The For Sale wheezed and whimpered as it
fought to climb the last thousand feet. The
airships would meet their prey just before the For
Sale would reach its goal. Then, as if sensing the
For Sale’s desperation, the cloud began to sink
towards them. In they went. The hole filled shut
with cloud stuff behind them. The Imperial
airships followed into the cloud at the spot the For
Sale had disappeared. But there was no more
signal on their radar. Their target was gone from
visual as well as radar contact!
* * *
“I swear Your Imperial Emperor-ness, they’ve
just disappeared,” said the Commander of The
Emperor’s Imperial Air Fleet as he talked by radio
back to the capital city. “We’ve got nothing. No
visual contact, no radar contact. Nothing!
Whenever our ships enter the cloud all of our
navigation instruments go haywire. I’ve tried
myself several times to navigate to the cloud’s
center and we always end up exiting from the
same spot which we entered! I’ve never seen
anything like it.”
“Nonsense!” raged The Emperor from the
palace. “You find them or I’ll have your hide
Commander! Is that understood? The crew of the
For Sale is to be taken alive! I want to oversee
their demise personally. Failure is not an option!
Got it?”
On orders from The Emperor, the Imperial
airships searched and searched for hours, zipping
around and through the strange cloud that drifted
high above the shores of Sa’Laam. But alas, the
cads who had so offended their beloved leader
were nowhere to be found. It was a terrified
Commander of the Imperial Air Fleet who would
have to report back utter failure to a most angry
Emperor.
afternoon doing what he did best: second guessing
himself. Maybe they should rob The Emperor
blind. Wouldn’t cousin B.B. be proud of him then!
Ah, but Mom and Dad wouldn’t be so proud,
would they? But this Emperor guy! Just look at
him! Living in such resplendence and wielding
such power, yet he knows practically nothing
about how his very own Empire works! He
deserves to be robbed blind, and I could be just
the person to do it! On the other hand, I don’t
remember much from Sunday school at First Fishy
Church of New Ferry, but I do remember that
stealing is wrong. But on the other hand, how can
it be wrong to steal if you’re a pirate? Everybody
respects professionalism and integrity. What kind
of professional integrity would a pirate who doesn’
t steal have? Brownbeard’s brain was overheating
as the little cogs and gears up there grinded into
smoke.
“Ahhhhhhhhhh! Help! Help!”
“Ah, yes! Help indeed,” thought Brownbeard.
“Help! Help! Stop it! Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
“But who can help?” asked Brownbeard.
“Brownbeard! Help! Help!”
“Can I help myself?” asked Brownbeard.
“Hmmmm, I guess I could. Perhaps I should.”
“Stop it! Stop it you thug! Help! Brownbeard!
Help!”
Brownbeard scratched his nose and pulled at
his paper maché eyebrow as he listened to the
voices in his head calling for help. Well, it was
really just one voice. Brownbeard, problem
plagued though he is, is not schizophrenic.
“Please! Brownieeeee! Help me!”
“Hmmmm,” thought Brownbeard. “That doesn’
t sound like my voice.”
The voice was becoming more and more
muffled. It was fading and fading. Just a distant
cry about to go away completely.
“Brownieeeee! Help me!”
“Oh my! That’s Hazel’s voice!” cried
Brownbeard as he bolted to his feet, the hair on
the back of his neck standing on end. Brownbeard
rushed out of his room into the hallway and went
to open the door to Hazel’s suite. It was locked.
Brownbeard could hear thumping and banging
inside as if there was a struggle going on.
Brownbeard knocked on the door.
“Hazel! Hazel! Are you all right? Hazel!”
shouted Brownbeard.
There was no answer.
Brownbeard reared his booted foot back and
kicked at the door.
“Ouch!” shouted Brownbeard as the vibration
from the kick shivered from heel to knee.
Brownbeard pulled his heavy sword out and
with all his might, swung at the doorknob. The
knob was hewn apart like butter, yet still the door
was shut. Brownbeard gave it another kick. The
door did not give.
“Aarghhumph! Get off me!” came Hazel’s
voice from the other side of the door.
“Quiet! Be quiet!” answered the voice of The
Emperor.
Brownbeard was stunned. What was going on?
He lifted his sword and hacked away at the door
lock. Whack! Smack! Clank! The last stroke of his
sword tore its way through the lock, but the door
remained closed. Not realizing that he had finally
demolished the lock, an enraged and frustrated
Brownbeard took several steps backwards and
then threw himself with all his might into the door.
The door gave way easily and Brownbeard flew
through the room and landed with a thud on top of
The Emperor, who himself was atop Hazel. One of
The Emperor’s giant, meaty green hands was
covering Hazel’s mouth while the other was
working to tire the struggling lady. The Emperor
turned to look at Brownbeard.
“Get out of here Captain!” said The Emperor,
his cat eyes turning an ill yellow color. With one
hand, The Emperor threw Brownbeard off. “Hazel
is mine! I’m The Emperor. You’re only The
Captain. Now get out! You can have one of my
other concubines. Just get your room servant to
get you a menu.”
Hazel landed a nice smack right across The
Emperor’s cheek.
“Why you!” screamed The Emperor. “I’ll
teach you how my new Empress is to behave!”
“Get off now!” shouted Brownbeard.
The Emperor ignored Brownbeard as he and
Hazel wrestled. Brownbeard, using the flat of his
sword blade, brought the thick metal down hard
upon the back of The Emperor’s skull. More so
than the kick to the door, Brownbeard rang like a
bell as The Emperor’s amazingly hard head sent
shock waves down the sword’s blade, through the
handle, and into the pirate’s person. The Emperor
turned his head slowly to regard Brownbeard.
“I’m going to tell you one more time, and one
more time only,” said The Emperor with a chilling
calmness. “Get out of here and shut the door right
now.”
Hazel landed a solid punch to The Emperor’s
other cheek. The Emperor returned his attention to
her. Brownbeard prepared to die nobly as he
hoisted the sword above his head once more to
deliver a futile stroke against The Emperor’s head
of titanium. Clang! The Emperor turned and
looked at Brownbeard—the pallor of his face a
sickening greenish-yellow, his cat eyes blazing
with rage, his pointy canines looking a bit too
sharp, and his short black hair looking like a
hundred devil horns upon his head.
“Now that actually hurt!” said The Emperor.
“Sorry about that,” apologized Brownbeard.
“But if you could just get off the young lady we’ll
be on our way. We will not bother you any more.”
The Emperor laughed, “Oh! Captain! That’s a
good one! You, sir, certainly shall not bother me
anymore. That is true enough!”
The Emperor stood up and began to advance
on Brownbeard.
“Now Emperor,” began Brownbeard, “Let’s be
reasonable about this. Hazel and I are—ah—
engaged to be married soon and—uh, no, it’s not
that—we’re married already—I forgot—it’s that,
well, can you imagine the bad public relations
mess you’ll cause yourself if you kill me? After
all, I am The Captain, right? The fans want to see
me too, right?”
The Emperor took another slow, ponderous
step towards Brownbeard who took several
smaller, quicker steps away from The Emperor.
The Emperor’s hands were like those of a
velacoraptor, fingers curling just a bit as they
extended from The Emperor’s massive arms,
seeking Brownbeard’s throat.
“Emperor, sir! Think about the moral
implications!” shouted a desperate Brownbeard.
“Are we not supposed to refrain from killing one
another? Ah, I see you’ve no problem with that.
Quite right! I mean, how could we fight wars if we
worried about such an inconvenient injunction!
Silly!”
Brownbeard backed himself into a wall.
Brownbeard looked and saw that he might have
backed himself out of the open doorway and ran
like lightening if he’d kept his wits about him. But
if he was to die, which eventually he would
anyway, it might as well be while fighting for the
beautiful sand witch Hazel. Only two large steps
remained between The Emperor’s horrible hands,
his menacing meat-hooks, his perverse paws—and
Brownbeard’s pencil like neck.
“Ah! Consider this Emperor!” squealed
Brownbeard. “It might mean very bad luck for
you! Like breaking a mirror. Or what about the
mess on this nice carpet! Wouldn’t it be a shame
to ruin such a nice—”
Out of the corner of his eye, Brownbeard saw
an unexpected sight. The mast of a ship began to
rise off the balcony extending from Hazel’s suite.
The Emperor’s hands began to slowly wrap
around Brownbeard’s throat. Brownbeard saw that
it was the For Sale floating off the balcony. His
vision began to grow dim as The Emperor
throttled him. Desperately, Brownbeard poked
The Emperor in the eyes as he began to blackout.
Then, The Emperor let go of Brownbeard’s neck
with a scream of agony. Hazel held The Emperor
by a handful of hair. Temporarily blind, The
Emperor flailed in the direction of his tormentor.
“Hazel! Captain!” screamed Kumquat and
Wilbert from the deck. “Come on! Now!”
Hazel let go of The Emperor. Brownbeard,
struggling for consciousness and gasping for
breath, stood dazed. Then, he looked down and
saw his sword lying on the ground underneath the
feet of The Emperor who was spinning and
dancing around, covering his hurt eyes with one
hand, and swinging and smashing things at random
with the other. Brownbeard bent down to get his
sword.
“Let’s go now! Quick!” came the shouts from
the For Sale.
Brownbeard’s fingers grasped the handle of
his sword as The Emperor’s heel stepped squarely
upon his fingers. Hazel grabbed Brownbeard by
his short, stubbly brown beard and dragged him
towards the ship.
“Let’s go you dolt!” Hazel shouted at
Brownbeard.
Brownbeard cried in pain with stomped
fingers and stretched beard. The Emperor
stumbled after them, screaming for them to stop.
“Come back here! I’ll kill you all! Come back
here now! Help! Guards! Imperial guards! Help!
You’ll be sorry if you don’t come back here right
now!”
The Emperor pushed a button on his belt
putting the entire palace on a high state of alert.
Hundreds of soldiers from all over the palace
were now running as fast as they could to their
leader’s side. Brownbeard and Hazel sped across
the wide marble balcony and gaining the edge,
jumped over the three foot wide space between
the rails of the balcony and their ship. The two
flew over a drop descending for miles and then
over and onto the deck of the For Sale. Thud.
The Emperor almost fell over the edge of the
balcony as the For Sale flew away and dove down
for cover in the clouds. Soldiers poured onto the
balcony, racing to their Emperor’s side as he
gesticulated wildly in the fleeing ship’s general
direction. While The Emperor shouted and
screamed, soldiers fell all over themselves as they
readied for the chase.
The crew of the For Sale clung to whatever
was available to hold as Kumquat guided the ship
in a steep dive, plunging them into the top of a
towering cumulus cloud. Then, the shipped pulled
into a more level attitude as Kumquat headed for
a course directly away from the capital of Sa’
Laam and towards the ocean. There was nothing to
see but milky white all about as they raced
through the clouds. The wind rushed in everyone’s
ears.
“How did you all get the ship?” asked
Brownbeard.
“We asked to go take care of Kumquat’s
pets,” answered Wilbert.
“You’re timing was impeccable,” smiled
Hazel.
“We’re not out of trouble yet,” seethed
Kumquat. “Radar shows lots of pursuing craft.
We’ve got maybe a mile lead on them, but some
of them appear to be gaining on us. They must
have us sighted in their radar.”
“I know this is crazy, but could we attempt a
hyperdrive jump before leaving the atmosphere?
Or would we burn up?” asked Brownbeard.
“No, we wouldn’t burn up,” answered Hazel.
“A hyperdrive jump isn’t a matter of traveling
very fast. It’s a matter of space folding. We could
do it.”
“I haven’t had time to plot the course,”
answered Kumquat. “If I go by dead reckoning we
could come out near the event horizon of a black
hole, or just in front of a comet before it smashes
us into a billion pieces.”
“Hence the name dead reckoning,” mused
Brownbeard.
Schmoor and Wilbert giggled. Kumquat and
Hazel just stared at Brownbeard.
“With all respect Captain Brownbeard, don’t
be a doofus,” said Kumquat.
“Really Brownbeard, this is not the time for
levity,” said Hazel.
“Well, isn’t there something you can do
Hazel?” asked Brownbeard. “I mean, you are a
sand witch, right? What about your magic? Is it
just me, or is your magic getting weaker? Why’d
you have so much trouble with The Emperor back
there? Shouldn’t you have been able to take care
of him with one hand tied behind your back?”
Hazel frowned.
“I’m not all powerful,” said Hazel
defensively. “He was really strong. But no, I can’t
think of anything my magic can do for us right
now. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am getting
weak.”
“No thanks to you,” muttered Kumquat under
her breath.
“What?” said Brownbeard. “Did you say
something to me Kumquat?”
“No! She didn’t say anything, did you
Kumquat?” said Hazel, glaring at her cat.
“Kumquat, let Schmoor steer the ship while
you work on the co-ordinates,” said Wilbert as he
scampered to his position in the crow’s nest.
Schmoor took the wheel while Kumquat began
tapping at keys on the navigation computer. A few
tense moments slipped by. Finally, Kumquat
announced that the course was set and that
everyone should prepare for the jump.
Brownbeard made sure to sit down for this and to
hold on for dear life to his chair. Kumquat began
the countdown.
“Ten , nine ,eight—”
“Cloud cover is breaking up,” said Wilbert. “I
can see the ocean and blue sky ahead.”
“—seven, six, five—”
“Bogeys at eleven, twelve and one o’clock!”
shouted Wilbert. “They’ve got us on the bow!”
“—four, three, two—”
“And behind! We’re surrounded!”
“—one—now!”
The hyperdrive of the For Sale kicked in just
as everyone saw that The Emperor’s airship fleet
was closing them within a quickly shrinking circle.
The drive began to purr for an instant like a
satisfied kitten, and then began to choke and
sputter like a puppy dog coughing up fresh green
grass on a warm spring day. Grinding to a halt, the
smell of burning hyperdrive components
permeated the air.
“Son of a wimpersnap!” shouted Kumquat.
“Oh, no!” shouted everyone else.
The circle of airships tightened further. A
collision with the nearest airship and the For Sale
was a few seconds away.
“What happened? What is wrong with the
hyperdrive?” shouted Hazel.
“I don’t know! Before we left the docking
deck at Parking Port Number 76, I put Captain
Brownbeard’s traveling box in the hyperdrive’s
relativistic-quantum unifying warp cylinder to
replace the one we lost in our botched
atmospheric descent. All the other components
checked out okay!” screamed Kumquat.
“Ladies, gentleman, and beasts of the For
Sale!” came a voice over the loudspeaker of the
approaching airship. “You are hereby under arrest.
Stop your ship and put your hands up!”
Hazel looked at Brownbeard.
“You!” she shouted.
“Me?” said Brownbeard.
“Those rocks you were hitting off the deck the
day we sailed up the Bingabong River! Where did
you get them?” asked Hazel.
Brownbeard’s eyes widened in
acknowledgment.
“Oh! Dang! From the box I purchased at Ye
Olde Gift Shoppe,” Brownbeard said sheepishly.
“Ladies, gentleman, and beasts of the For
Sale! This is your last warning. You are under
arrest by order of The Emperor of Sa’Laam. Stop
right now or prepare to be blown out of the sky!”
“Brownie! How could you!” shrieked Hazel.
“We’ve got no hyperdrive!” screamed
Kumquat.
“Sorry,” said Brownbeard.
“Captain, their guns are aimed at our sails! It
looks like they’re readying to fire!” Wilbert
shouted down.
“We won’t be able to get home now, will
we?” asked Brownbeard.
Hazel looked at Brownbeard. It was a special
sort of look that she gave him. It was a look the
owner of a china shop would give a customer if
that customer were a bull.
Schmoor looked up to Brownbeard as if to
say, “What now?”
“Take evasive action!” Brownbeard ordered.
Schmoor pulled back hard on the wheel and
gave the For Sale full throttle. The ship’s bow
lifted straight up into the sky. Just then, the
airships of The Emperor’s fleet fired their laser
canons at the point the For Sale had occupied the
preceding moment. Like a firing squad standing in
a circle, the Emperor’s airship fleet managed to
take out half of its own number. Parachutes
opened up all over the sky as crew members leapt
from the destroyed airships. The other ships that
escaped from being hit gave chase.
The For Sale zoomed up and over until it was
upside down. Then, Schmoor gently rolled the
ship until it was back upright. They were heading
back towards Sa’Laam. The remaining airships
were in hot pursuit. Beams of red laser light criss-
crossed over and under the fleeing For Sale.
Schmoor did his best to make the ship a difficult
target. Kumquat, Wilbert, Hazel and Brownbeard
took their positions at the For Sale’s own laser
cannons. Fires began to explode on deck as enemy
shots found their target.
Schmoor, with no one to help work the solar
sails, used only rudder to pull the ship hard to port
and back as the For Sale entered a tight, turning
loop-the-loop. The Emperor’s airships were not
quite as maneuverable as their quarry. The For
Sale completed its loop under Schmoor’s expert
pilotage. Just like that, three of the enemy ships
which had been nailing the For Sale with artillery
from astern were dead ahead. Brownbeard and
Hazel continued to return fire aft while Kumquat
and Wilbert swung their gun turrets forward to
take on the three surprised Imperial airships.
“Good shot!” Kumquat yelled as Wilbert hit
his mark.
“Good shot!” Wilbert yelled as Kumquat
nailed her mark.
Hazel had the good foresight to arm the For
Sale with ultra powerful x-ray lasers. The two
wounded Imperial airships skittered off course
and would have to make emergency splash-downs.
The other enemy airship in front of the For Sale
began turning to port while at the same time losing
a lot of altitude. Schmoor followed and the blood
rushed to everyone’s head as the For Sale pulled
some serious negative gees. Brownbeard’s tuckus
came flying out of his seat as he held the handles
of his laser canon, continuing to fire at the
Imperial airships on the For Sale’s rear.
“Brownie, can you hold them for a moment?”
shouted Hazel. “I’m going to see if I can put out
the fires on deck before we lose the ship!”
“Go for it!” shouted Brownbeard.
Hazel got up and ran for the fire extinguisher.
The For Sale was in a steep dive as they pursued
the fleeing airship. More Imperial airships were on
their way to join the battle. From out of the clouds
in the distance, black dots began to materialize.
Brownbeard saw them first.
“Oh no! More villains on the way!” he
shouted. “There must be a hundred of them!”
Schmoor pulled the For Sale out of its dive
just before she would have smashed into the sea
like a raw egg on concrete. The airship they were
pursuing had evaded them and the other airships
on their tail were peppering them with more laser
blasts. In a few moments, the battle would be over
as the Imperial reinforcements drew nigh.
Hazel was doing her best to put out fires, but
more were springing up as hot red lightening
pegged the distraught For Sale. Schmoor groaned
in frustration. The ship was becoming less and
less manageable as it took on more damage.
Though no one said anything, they all knew the
options at this point—either they could surrender,
ditch in the ocean and be captured, or fight to the
death. The struggling crew of the For Sale fought
bravely on.
Then, as Hazel was looking up and saying a
silent prayer, something caught her eye. It was a
peculiar looking cloud high above. There in the
clear, deep blue sky where no other clouds were,
was a very large mass of puffy cotton glowing
bright white, the shadows within its folds
shimmering countless shades of blue and grey.
“Schmoor!” shouted Hazel excitedly and
pointing, “Head for that cloud! Hurry!”
Schmoor pulled the For Sale into a steep,
climbing turn in the direction Hazel had pointed.
The Imperial airships changed course to intercept.
Slowly, the cloud grew larger and larger as they
drew nearer and nearer. Though certainly a cloud,
it bore an uncanny resemblance to a castle.
“Wow! That’s a big cloud! Is it a cloud?”
asked Kumquat.
“If it’s who I think it is, then yes!” shouted
Hazel.
“Not—not—it’s not—” stammered Wilbert.
“No! It couldn’t be! Could it?” asked
Kumquat.
“I think it is!” shouted Hazel.
A fire was nipping at Brownbeard’s seat as he
struggled to return the fire of the pursuing
airships. He could hear the conversation on board,
but could not take the time to look back and see
what in the world they were talking about.
“What in the world are you all talking about?
My tuckus is about to catch fire and these guys
are getting closer!” Brownbeard shouted.
“Hang on Brownie! Help’s on the way!” yelled
Hazel as she sprung over to Brownbeard and
flushed his fiery fanny with a spritz from the
extinguisher.
The damaged For Sale struggled to climb
towards the gargantuan blob of cauliflower before
them. The Imperial airships continued to nail the
For Sale. Brownbeard did his best to hold off the
pursuing airships, while Wilbert and Kumquat
continued to battle with the Imperial
reinforcements about to broadside them.
“Ouch!” screamed Kumquat as an enemy
laser beam whizzed by her head. “You crumb!
You singed my fur!”
Wilbert giggled.
“You think it’s funny, troll? How about I do it
to you?” shouted Kumquat.
“Quit the arguing now or I swear I’ll shoot
both of you!” shouted Brownbeard.
“There! Go in there!” shouted Hazel to
Schmoor.
Schmoor pointed the ship for the tiny hole
opening from the bottom of the cloud. Chug, chug,
chug. The For Sale wheezed and whimpered as it
fought to climb the last thousand feet. The
airships would meet their prey just before the For
Sale would reach its goal. Then, as if sensing the
For Sale’s desperation, the cloud began to sink
towards them. In they went. The hole filled shut
with cloud stuff behind them. The Imperial
airships followed into the cloud at the spot the For
Sale had disappeared. But there was no more
signal on their radar. Their target was gone from
visual as well as radar contact!
* * *
“I swear Your Imperial Emperor-ness, they’ve
just disappeared,” said the Commander of The
Emperor’s Imperial Air Fleet as he talked by radio
back to the capital city. “We’ve got nothing. No
visual contact, no radar contact. Nothing!
Whenever our ships enter the cloud all of our
navigation instruments go haywire. I’ve tried
myself several times to navigate to the cloud’s
center and we always end up exiting from the
same spot which we entered! I’ve never seen
anything like it.”
“Nonsense!” raged The Emperor from the
palace. “You find them or I’ll have your hide
Commander! Is that understood? The crew of the
For Sale is to be taken alive! I want to oversee
their demise personally. Failure is not an option!
Got it?”
On orders from The Emperor, the Imperial
airships searched and searched for hours, zipping
around and through the strange cloud that drifted
high above the shores of Sa’Laam. But alas, the
cads who had so offended their beloved leader
were nowhere to be found. It was a terrified
Commander of the Imperial Air Fleet who would
have to report back utter failure to a most angry
Emperor.
The Adventures of Short Stubbly Brownbeard
Alan J. Levine
* * *
Chapter Thirty-Three
Buy yer hard copy
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children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.