It was a perplexed Brownbeard that stood aboard
the For Sale early the morning following the spat
between Kumquat and Wilbert. He was not sure
exactly of what kind of crew he was captain. Nor
was he naive enough to think he was really in
charge. Hazel still called the shots. How could
Wilbert, Schmoor, and Kumquat be loyal to him
when they had all just met? Kumquat did not seem
to like him at all. But he was willing to play along
with the charade. At least he had a crew—of
sorts. Finally.
As for Hazel’s renovations, they were
something. Really something. But as to
comprehending the exact nature of these
improvements, again, Brownbeard was at a loss.
She had created space from nothing. It’s not just
that rooms appeared out of thin air without other
rooms disappearing or shrinking. There was an
entirely new floor below deck that had not been
present when he acquired the For Sale from Lloyd
and Louise! Yet from outside, the ship did not
seem one plank larger than the day he laid eyes
upon it!
The night before at dinner, Brownbeard and
Hazel and the rest of the crew discussed for where
they should sail. Brownbeard favored continuing
south for the Caribbean. Hazel had another idea,
and that was to sail for a place she had heard
about but never seen. A place that was far farther
away than the Caribbean, or Africa, or Persia, or
China.
* * *
“Look Brownbeard,” Hazel said, “we can go to
the Caribbean and rob and pillage and easily rule
the seas there. With this crew and this boat it
would be easy. Is that what you want? Easy?”
To which Brownbeard replied, “Yes.”
“No! No! We don’t want easy! We want great!
Doing easy things do not lead to greatness. We
need to seek challenge. Something hard. Let’s go
for the gusto!”
“Hazel, I just don’t know. I think ruling the
Caribbean with just a boat load of five pirates will
be quite challenging.”
“No! You’ve got no idea how simple that would
be for us. Like taking a shrimp from a baby
octopus. No. That’s a bad analogy. Taking a
shrimp from a baby octopus is actually pretty
difficult. But you get my point. It would be all so
boring! We’ll grow tired of such easy infamy,
while at the same time losing valuable pirating
skills due to the lack of challenge.”
“So you’ve got a better idea? One which will
lead to greatness?” asked Brownbeard.
“Yes. We should head for the richest realm in
the galaxy. The Empire of Sa’Laam. There, we
should sneak into the palace compound of The
Emperor, get access to the treasury building, and
take all of the riches therein. And when we leave
with all of the loot, we’ll have done something
thousands of others have died trying to do, but
failed. We, on the other hand, will have
succeeded! We will become known throughout the
Milky Way, the Universe even, as the bravest,
fiercest pirates of all time. Just think of it!”
Hazel’s eyes flashed with eagerness at the
sound of her own words. Kumquat and Wilbert,
who before had not been able to agree on
anything, seemed united in their support of Hazel’
s plan. Schmoor did not seem so convinced.
Brownbeard figured a bad accident with a large
capacity drier full of gym socks might make
anyone less of a risk taker.
“Hazel,” Brownbeard had said bluntly, “thus far
you’ve seemed the model of reason and
intelligence in all matters regarding our venture.
But I’m afraid you must be off your rocker. I’m
still not sure exactly what a galaxy or Milky Way
is, but I gather from what you’ve tried to teach me,
it is very big. Bigger than all of the colonies.
Bigger than all of the lands beyond to the west,
even. Bigger than the rest of the world added on to
boot! Now for you to talk about an assault on the
richest Emperor of this galaxy by just the five of
us is—is—is—”
“Out with it Captain!” said an excited Wilbert.
He was of course on Hazel’s side, but he was
getting caught up in Brownbeard’s excitement.
“Out with it!”
“Crazy!” said Brownbeard.
Everyone gasped.
“Crazy?” said Hazel, looking genuinely hurt.
“Yes! Crazy! Nutsy-cookoo! Whacko-jacko!
Out of here! What is up with that?” shouted
Brownbeard. “I mean, just look at us! A wannabe
pirate captain, a troll, a sock gremlin, a talking cat,
and a sand witch. I’m perfectly willing to admit I’
m the weak link in this crew. I’m even willing to
allow that you four are top notch—as good as
they come, even though I’ve never seen any of
you in action on the high seas. But I’m not buying
that we are ready to assault this Emperor of Sa’
Laam. If he’s so rich, don’t you think he can
afford to pay his army handsomely?”
“Oh, yes!” Hazel agreed. “Absolutely. The
riches of Sa’Laam are guarded better than those of
any other land. It’s nearly impossible that anyone
could succeed in successfully stealing such well-
guarded treasure.”
“Then I rest my case,” said Brownbeard.
“But we will succeed because there has never
been a crew as good as this, aboard a ship so
ready to take us to our dreams,” said Hazel.
Brownbeard shook his head in disbelief. They
were at loggerheads over this issue. Neither would
convince the other of the sagacity of their own
personal viewpoint.
“It’s your decision,” Hazel said. “You’re the
captain. You make the call.”
Brownbeard looked at Hazel with a look of
distress. To him, this was a no win situation. If he
chose the Caribbean, then over half the crew, and
most importantly, the beautiful sand witch Hazel,
would be disappointed—upset even. If he went
along with Hazel’s plan to go to Sa’Laam, then he
feared the worst might happen—would probably
happen.
“And you say you’ve never been to Sa’Laam
before?” Brownbeard asked Hazel.
“No, but I have friends who’ve visited,” Hazel
said in a reassuring tone. “They tell me it’s nice.”
Brownbeard looked down at his plate. Slowly
and absent-mindedly, he took his fork, and with it
shoveled at and moved around his plate the
remains of a delicious popcorn and squash
casserole Wilbert had whipped up for supper.
“Look, Captain,” said Hazel, “There will be
opportunities to pirate along the way to Sa’Laam,
and you’ll see just what an effective, potent
operation you’re commanding. If we’re not wildly
successful on our first few missions, then we can
re-think our raid of Sa’Laam. Furthermore, I’m not
talking about a direct assault on such well-
protected facilities. This will be an inside
operation.”
“You mean you know people there?”
“No, not yet. But I can be quite charming and
witty, as all of us can be when required. We’ll
find a way to meet The Emperor and fall into his
good graces. Then, once he trusts us completely
and has given us all the access we need, we’ll
take what we’ve come for and be out before
anyone is the wiser.”
“You mean, just like that, we will ingratiate
ourselves into the court of the most powerful,
wealthy Emperor in the Milky Way, and then steal
from his treasury?” asked an incredulous
Brownbeard.
“That’s right,” answered Hazel.
“You’ll have to forgive me for not believing,”
said Brownbeard.
“If anyone can do it, it’s Hazel,” said Kumquat
with an admiring purr.
“I’ll second that,” agreed Wilbert.
Schmoor, looking around at each and everyone,
did not reveal his thoughts on the matter.
“Well, I’m not going to make this decision,”
stated Brownbeard.
“You’re not?” asked Hazel.
“Why not, Captain?” asked Wilbert.
“You mean you’re going to let Hazel decide?”
asked Kumquat.
“No, Kumquat. We are going to decide. All of
us will vote on where we head the For Sale,”
answered Brownbeard.
“Hmmmm,” said Hazel, not looking pleased at
this decision of Brownbeard’s.
“Peculiar,” said Wilbert.
“Highly unusual,” said Kumquat.
Schmoor scratched at the sock upon his head.
“Maybe,” said Brownbeard, “but that is how we
will resolve this issue. Now, by show of hands,
who wants to sail south for the Caribbean?”
Brownbeard raised his own hand. The rest of the
crew looked at each other. Then, slowly, Schmoor
raised his hand. So at this point, the matter was
settled, but as a procedural formality, Brownbeard
asked for those in favor of Hazel’s plan to vote
accordingly. Hazel, Kumquat, and Wilbert raised
their hands. Then, slowly, Schmoor raised his
hand. Again.
“Then it’s settled,” said Brownbeard. “We sail
for Sa’Laam first thing tomorrow on the first
official voyage of the pirate ship For Sale. This
calls for a round of hot chocolate.”
With that, the captain of the For Sale made a
large, steaming pot of cocoa for his crew. They
drank and sang songs late into the night. Actually,
not too late into the night, since they had a big day
ahead and pirates need their sleep, just like
everyone else.
* * *
Brownbeard recalled these events as he now
stood upon the upper deck of the ship. A gentle
breeze blew over him, soothing his worries a bit.
Still, there were butterflies flitting to and fro in his
stomach. And still he wondered just what kind of
crew was he captain of, and what kind of ship was
the For Sale now that Hazel’s tune-up, or rather
overhaul, was complete.
the For Sale early the morning following the spat
between Kumquat and Wilbert. He was not sure
exactly of what kind of crew he was captain. Nor
was he naive enough to think he was really in
charge. Hazel still called the shots. How could
Wilbert, Schmoor, and Kumquat be loyal to him
when they had all just met? Kumquat did not seem
to like him at all. But he was willing to play along
with the charade. At least he had a crew—of
sorts. Finally.
As for Hazel’s renovations, they were
something. Really something. But as to
comprehending the exact nature of these
improvements, again, Brownbeard was at a loss.
She had created space from nothing. It’s not just
that rooms appeared out of thin air without other
rooms disappearing or shrinking. There was an
entirely new floor below deck that had not been
present when he acquired the For Sale from Lloyd
and Louise! Yet from outside, the ship did not
seem one plank larger than the day he laid eyes
upon it!
The night before at dinner, Brownbeard and
Hazel and the rest of the crew discussed for where
they should sail. Brownbeard favored continuing
south for the Caribbean. Hazel had another idea,
and that was to sail for a place she had heard
about but never seen. A place that was far farther
away than the Caribbean, or Africa, or Persia, or
China.
* * *
“Look Brownbeard,” Hazel said, “we can go to
the Caribbean and rob and pillage and easily rule
the seas there. With this crew and this boat it
would be easy. Is that what you want? Easy?”
To which Brownbeard replied, “Yes.”
“No! No! We don’t want easy! We want great!
Doing easy things do not lead to greatness. We
need to seek challenge. Something hard. Let’s go
for the gusto!”
“Hazel, I just don’t know. I think ruling the
Caribbean with just a boat load of five pirates will
be quite challenging.”
“No! You’ve got no idea how simple that would
be for us. Like taking a shrimp from a baby
octopus. No. That’s a bad analogy. Taking a
shrimp from a baby octopus is actually pretty
difficult. But you get my point. It would be all so
boring! We’ll grow tired of such easy infamy,
while at the same time losing valuable pirating
skills due to the lack of challenge.”
“So you’ve got a better idea? One which will
lead to greatness?” asked Brownbeard.
“Yes. We should head for the richest realm in
the galaxy. The Empire of Sa’Laam. There, we
should sneak into the palace compound of The
Emperor, get access to the treasury building, and
take all of the riches therein. And when we leave
with all of the loot, we’ll have done something
thousands of others have died trying to do, but
failed. We, on the other hand, will have
succeeded! We will become known throughout the
Milky Way, the Universe even, as the bravest,
fiercest pirates of all time. Just think of it!”
Hazel’s eyes flashed with eagerness at the
sound of her own words. Kumquat and Wilbert,
who before had not been able to agree on
anything, seemed united in their support of Hazel’
s plan. Schmoor did not seem so convinced.
Brownbeard figured a bad accident with a large
capacity drier full of gym socks might make
anyone less of a risk taker.
“Hazel,” Brownbeard had said bluntly, “thus far
you’ve seemed the model of reason and
intelligence in all matters regarding our venture.
But I’m afraid you must be off your rocker. I’m
still not sure exactly what a galaxy or Milky Way
is, but I gather from what you’ve tried to teach me,
it is very big. Bigger than all of the colonies.
Bigger than all of the lands beyond to the west,
even. Bigger than the rest of the world added on to
boot! Now for you to talk about an assault on the
richest Emperor of this galaxy by just the five of
us is—is—is—”
“Out with it Captain!” said an excited Wilbert.
He was of course on Hazel’s side, but he was
getting caught up in Brownbeard’s excitement.
“Out with it!”
“Crazy!” said Brownbeard.
Everyone gasped.
“Crazy?” said Hazel, looking genuinely hurt.
“Yes! Crazy! Nutsy-cookoo! Whacko-jacko!
Out of here! What is up with that?” shouted
Brownbeard. “I mean, just look at us! A wannabe
pirate captain, a troll, a sock gremlin, a talking cat,
and a sand witch. I’m perfectly willing to admit I’
m the weak link in this crew. I’m even willing to
allow that you four are top notch—as good as
they come, even though I’ve never seen any of
you in action on the high seas. But I’m not buying
that we are ready to assault this Emperor of Sa’
Laam. If he’s so rich, don’t you think he can
afford to pay his army handsomely?”
“Oh, yes!” Hazel agreed. “Absolutely. The
riches of Sa’Laam are guarded better than those of
any other land. It’s nearly impossible that anyone
could succeed in successfully stealing such well-
guarded treasure.”
“Then I rest my case,” said Brownbeard.
“But we will succeed because there has never
been a crew as good as this, aboard a ship so
ready to take us to our dreams,” said Hazel.
Brownbeard shook his head in disbelief. They
were at loggerheads over this issue. Neither would
convince the other of the sagacity of their own
personal viewpoint.
“It’s your decision,” Hazel said. “You’re the
captain. You make the call.”
Brownbeard looked at Hazel with a look of
distress. To him, this was a no win situation. If he
chose the Caribbean, then over half the crew, and
most importantly, the beautiful sand witch Hazel,
would be disappointed—upset even. If he went
along with Hazel’s plan to go to Sa’Laam, then he
feared the worst might happen—would probably
happen.
“And you say you’ve never been to Sa’Laam
before?” Brownbeard asked Hazel.
“No, but I have friends who’ve visited,” Hazel
said in a reassuring tone. “They tell me it’s nice.”
Brownbeard looked down at his plate. Slowly
and absent-mindedly, he took his fork, and with it
shoveled at and moved around his plate the
remains of a delicious popcorn and squash
casserole Wilbert had whipped up for supper.
“Look, Captain,” said Hazel, “There will be
opportunities to pirate along the way to Sa’Laam,
and you’ll see just what an effective, potent
operation you’re commanding. If we’re not wildly
successful on our first few missions, then we can
re-think our raid of Sa’Laam. Furthermore, I’m not
talking about a direct assault on such well-
protected facilities. This will be an inside
operation.”
“You mean you know people there?”
“No, not yet. But I can be quite charming and
witty, as all of us can be when required. We’ll
find a way to meet The Emperor and fall into his
good graces. Then, once he trusts us completely
and has given us all the access we need, we’ll
take what we’ve come for and be out before
anyone is the wiser.”
“You mean, just like that, we will ingratiate
ourselves into the court of the most powerful,
wealthy Emperor in the Milky Way, and then steal
from his treasury?” asked an incredulous
Brownbeard.
“That’s right,” answered Hazel.
“You’ll have to forgive me for not believing,”
said Brownbeard.
“If anyone can do it, it’s Hazel,” said Kumquat
with an admiring purr.
“I’ll second that,” agreed Wilbert.
Schmoor, looking around at each and everyone,
did not reveal his thoughts on the matter.
“Well, I’m not going to make this decision,”
stated Brownbeard.
“You’re not?” asked Hazel.
“Why not, Captain?” asked Wilbert.
“You mean you’re going to let Hazel decide?”
asked Kumquat.
“No, Kumquat. We are going to decide. All of
us will vote on where we head the For Sale,”
answered Brownbeard.
“Hmmmm,” said Hazel, not looking pleased at
this decision of Brownbeard’s.
“Peculiar,” said Wilbert.
“Highly unusual,” said Kumquat.
Schmoor scratched at the sock upon his head.
“Maybe,” said Brownbeard, “but that is how we
will resolve this issue. Now, by show of hands,
who wants to sail south for the Caribbean?”
Brownbeard raised his own hand. The rest of the
crew looked at each other. Then, slowly, Schmoor
raised his hand. So at this point, the matter was
settled, but as a procedural formality, Brownbeard
asked for those in favor of Hazel’s plan to vote
accordingly. Hazel, Kumquat, and Wilbert raised
their hands. Then, slowly, Schmoor raised his
hand. Again.
“Then it’s settled,” said Brownbeard. “We sail
for Sa’Laam first thing tomorrow on the first
official voyage of the pirate ship For Sale. This
calls for a round of hot chocolate.”
With that, the captain of the For Sale made a
large, steaming pot of cocoa for his crew. They
drank and sang songs late into the night. Actually,
not too late into the night, since they had a big day
ahead and pirates need their sleep, just like
everyone else.
* * *
Brownbeard recalled these events as he now
stood upon the upper deck of the ship. A gentle
breeze blew over him, soothing his worries a bit.
Still, there were butterflies flitting to and fro in his
stomach. And still he wondered just what kind of
crew was he captain of, and what kind of ship was
the For Sale now that Hazel’s tune-up, or rather
overhaul, was complete.
The Adventures of Short Stubbly Brownbeard
Alan J. Levine
* * *
Chapter Twenty-One
Buy yer hard copy
at . . .
at . . .
Want to support
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.
