Hazel, Brownbeard, Kumquat, Schmoor, and
Wilbert gave their tickets to the collector as they
walked into the coliseum. The scene was as
chaotic as any the crew had witnessed while
walking through the city. A creature with big red
bug’s eyes and black and blue skin, looking sort
of like a praying mantis, and sort of like a frog,
screamed at everyone and held above its head a
stack of pamphlets.
“Programs! Git yer programs!” yelled the bug-
frog at Brownbeard.
So Brownbeard did.
“Dat ‘il be twenty drahma,” said the creature.
“What?” Brownbeard exclaimed. “I just ate a
delicious meal for not much more than that! Five
drahma.”
The creature looked at Brownbeard, its eyes
bugging out even more.
“Scuse me fool!” shouted the creature as it
snatched the program out of Brownbeard’s hands.
“Twenty drahma. This ain’t no negotiation.”
“All right,” smiled Brownbeard. “Ten, no
more.”
“Git outta here!” shouted the bug-frog.
“Programs! Git yer programs! Programs! Git yer
programs!”
“Twelve-and-a-half,” said Brownbeard.
“Captain,” said Wilbert, tugging at
Brownbeard’s coat. “That’s not how this works.”
“Brownbeard!” hissed Hazel, “Cut it out and
let’s get going!”
“How embarrassing,” moaned Kumquat.
Schmoor just shook his little sock head and hid
his face in his hands.
“I know what I’m doing,” Brownbeard said to
his crew. “Just relax. Okay friend, twelve-and-a-
half. Really, look at what you’re selling there. It’s
a thin little newspaper of some sort. It can’t be
worth all that.”
“Man! Git outta my face, dude!” screamed the
bug-frog. “I ain’t givin’ you nothin’ for no
discount!”
Beings all around began to look towards the
scene unfolding around the program seller.
Brownbeard just laughed, shook his head, and
said, “You drive a hard bargain my friend. All
right fifteen. But that’s my final offer. What do
you say?”
“Programs! Git yer programs! Git outta here!
Programs! Git yer programs! I said git!”
“You haven’t answered me,” said Brownbeard.
“Fifteen. How about it?”
Hazel grabbed at Brownbeard, as did the rest
of the For Sale crew, and began to drag him away.
Creatures, human-looking and not, watched and
laughed at the scene before them.
“I’m really sorry,” said Hazel to the program
seller.
“Let go!” ordered Brownbeard. “Cut it out!”
“You cut it out!” said Hazel as she and the
gang continued to pull Brownbeard away.
“Yeah! You had better take him away! Before I
call the police!” shouted the program seller.
“See, Captain? You almost blew our plan!”
said Wilbert. “We don’t want to get thrown out of
here.”
Brownbeard shook loose and angrily shouted
at his crew, “I know what I’m doing! I can’t
believe you’d embarrass me like that! Pulling me
away like I’m a raving lunatic!”
“Embarrass you!” shouted Hazel. “How dare
you? You are the one causing us embarrassment.
What has gotten into you?”
“What’s gotten into me? What’s gotten into
me?” asked Brownbeard stepping menacingly
towards Hazel. “I’m The Captain? Aren’t I Hazel?”
“Well, you’re a captain,” Hazel answered.”
Brownbeard looked at Hazel with contempt. “I
don’t need you,” said Brownbeard.
Then he gazed around at his other crew with
the same withering look. In turn, he addressed
each, saying, “I don’t need you. I don’t need you.
And I certainly don’t need you.”
The gang stared at Brownbeard in fascination
and horror. The plan—the great path to riches and
notoriety—was falling apart. Brownbeard was
going nuts. Everything was disintegrating right
before their very eyes.
“I don’t need you. I don’t need you! I don’t
need you! I don’t need any of you!” screamed
Brownbeard as loud as he could, and in the
cacophony of the hallway in which they stood, all
manner of creature stopped and stared at the
weirdo shouting that he did not need any of them.
“Do you know why I don’t need you?” asked
Brownbeard in a booming voice, stepping with
particular menace towards the woman he had once
found so beautiful and charming.
Hazel just shook her head, wishing she could
just disappear. Certainly she could have, since she
was a sand witch. Perhaps she was so humiliated
and embarrassed that her magical powers were
rendered useless. Or was there something else?
“Because!” howled Brownbeard in a voice that
filled all of the great hall as he drew his sword and
pointed to a large banner that hung high above and
read in Sa’Laami, Fo Chaiwa Doogee Kapitain? “I
am The Captain! And The Captain needs no one!”
With that, Brownbeard raced over to the
program seller, snatched all of the programs from
out of the bug-frog’s hands, threw them in the air,
and speared them with his sword on their was
back down. A shish-kabob! Then, Brownbeard
handed the poor, startled creature three-hundred
drahma for the ten programs he had skewered.
“Keep the change friend,” Brownbeard said.
From the crowd that was circled about and
watching these antics came shouts, catcalls, and
questions.
Who is this guy?
Say’s he’s The Captain.
Yeah, right!
Where are the police? He needs to be locked
away.
You don’t look like The Captain!
“You got some half-drahmas on you?”
Brownbeard asked the program seller. “Give me
six.”
The program seller nodded and cautiously
handed Brownbeard six shiny coins. Snapping his
stick out of his belt, Brownbeard took a deep
breath, curled his tongue, pulled up his left leg,
and crossed his eyes.
Ew! That’s grotesque!
Daddy! What’s wrong with that man?
Police! Police!
No! Get a doctor!
What a freak!
Brownbeard tossed three of the six coins high,
high above his head. They sailed up to the rafters
of the huge hall. Then, in rapid succession,
Brownbeard tossed the other three coins up and
pelted them. Smack! Smack! Smack! Each hit coin
made a beeline for its target. Ping! Ping! Ping!
Down sailed the first three coins Brownbeard had
tossed. Everyone scattered out of the way as the
coins clanged down upon the floor. Then they
raced to see what had happened.
Look! Look!
Oh, My! Oh, My!
Son of a gun! He really is The Captain!
The Captain’s here! The Captain’s here!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
You the man, Captain!
There on the ground lay the three coins
Brownbeard had tossed to the rafters, each
smoking hot from being shot nearly in half by
Brownbeard’s dead accurate swats. But the heat
burning their fingertips didn’t stop the clamor as
the folks all around fought one another, trying to
get hold of one of the souvenirs.
Brownbeard stepped over to the stack of
programs he had skewered and in one fluid
motion, withdrew his sword and gathered the
pamphlets. Then, he handed the programs to a
group of starry-eyed children gathered around who
were too small to engage in the tussle with the
adults for the three coins. One of the little children
handed Brownbeard a pen. Brownbeard
autographed each child’s copy. The crowd
‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ in admiration. With brisk
steps, Brownbeard walked over to rest of the gang
from the For Sale. He looked at them.
“You guys ready, or not?” he asked.
The gang slowly shook their collective heads
in the affirmative.
“Then let’s go,” ordered Brownbeard.
With that, he snapped around on one heel and
headed for the closest gate leading to the playing
field of the coliseum. His crew dutifully followed.
The crowd of gawkers and admirers swarmed
after Brownbeard and his small entourage as they
entered the stands far above the field. Ushers tried
to stop Brownbeard and the crowd that followed.
But a group of die-hard fans, including the
program seller, appointed themselves The Captain’
s handlers. This newly created group of hardcore
supporters raced to the front and proceeded to
shout and push and clear a path before the For
Sale gang. The outnumbered ushers relented.
Make way! Make way! It’s The Captain!
Make way! Make way! It’s The Captain!
More and more people and beasts joined the
shouting and pushing, even those who had not seen
Brownbeard’s antics in the hallway. Even those
who had absolutely no idea what the shouting was
about joined in. It was quite the scene.
Make way! Make way! It’s The Captain!
Make way! Make way! It’s The Captain!
Then, Brownbeard and his crowd stopped.
They all looked far down to the field below.
There, the great stick wielders of The Empire
casually stretched and flexed their muscles as the
stands filled. Even from this far above,
Brownbeard could see one rock smacker was
bigger and more powerful than the rest. His arms
bulged like tree trunks. His muscular legs were
like the marble pillars on the Parthenon. Even
from this far above, Brownbeard recognized the
short, spikey black hair, the dull green skin with
splotches of blue and yellow, and the gleaming
white teeth. There, far below—yet so close—was
the wealthiest, most powerful being in the entire
Milky Way—The Emperor of Sa’Laam.
At that moment, as if on cue, to warm up the
nearly full coliseum, The Emperor walked over to
a microphone and spoke to the crowd.
“How are my people doing today?” asked The
Emperor in a sonorous voice.
The crowd cheered and roared for their
beloved leader.
“Ha! Ha! Good! Good!” answered The
Emperor, as he winked and waved at some
dignitaries sitting in a box somewhere close to the
field.
“I hope you’re ready to see some of the
greatest rock smackers of all time, including the
greatest ever!” shouted The Emperor.
The crowd roared.
“Including the greatest to ever live and will
ever live—”
YEAHHHHH! YEAHHHHH! WOOOOO-
HOOOOO!
“Wha? Who? Lil’ ole me?” asked The
Emperor with a smile and a gleam in his eye.
YEAHHHHH! YEAHHHHH! YOU DA MAN
EMPEROR! YEAHHHH!
“Ha! Ha! You people are great! That’s why I
love this little corner of the Cosmos, you know
what I’m sayin’?” asked The Emperor, looking
back at the other rock whackers, who all smiled
back and laughed and waved at the crowd.
WOOOOH! WOOOOH! AAAAAAH!
YEAHHHHH! WOOOOOO!
“Now listen up people,” said The Emperor.
YEAHHHHH! WOOF-WOOF-WOOF! YOU
DA MAN! YEAHHHH!
“I know, I know. But listen up now. This is
serious. My job as head-of-state sometimes means
I’ve got to get down to business. And you, my
people, have a right to know when something is
not quite right.”
ALLLL RIGHT! YEAHHHHHH! WOOOO!
WOOOO! AAAAAGH!
“See, there is this fellow rumored to be running
about this here Empire of ours, calling himself
The Cabin Boy or something.”
Now a mixture of cheers and boos could be
heard throughout the huge coliseum. The folks
around Brownbeard gave the loudest cheer. The
hairs on Brownbeard’s head stood on edge with
excitement.
“And this here Cabin Boy is running around
our Empire smacking things left and right, and
harassing livestock, and acting like he’s the man
or something!”
WOOOOO! YOU DA MAN! BOOOO!
YEAAAAAH! GO CAPTAIN!
“And reports tell me this little boy’s got ten
arms and ten legs and two heads and is covered
with fur and has large fangs and thinks he’s a big
shot!” shouted The Emperor. “And so he thinks he
can hit rocks like a big boy! Well, let me tell ya
something people! This here Cabin Baby don’t got
nothing! If he had something, he would be right
here! Right now! You know what I’m saying?”
The crowd was now in a frenzy. They loved it
when their Emperor talked like that. Human or
not—man, woman, and child—everyone was high-
fiving one another and toasting one another and
screaming frantically. And the rock banging had
not even begun!
The crowd around Brownbeard was shouting to
be heard above the din.
Yo! The Captain is here! He’s right here!
Hey! Emperor! Look here! Up here!
The Emperor, getting into it himself, strutted
around the field and high-fived the other warriors.
“But let me tell you something people!” said
The Emperor. “And this is serious. This Cabin
Baby best not come around here, you know what I’
m saying? Because if I see him—if I see this
Cabin Baby—you know what I’m a going to do?”
TELL US! YEAAAHHH! TELL US! YOU DA
MAN!
“I’m gonna grab hold of his ten baby arms!
And I’m gonna grab hold of his ten baby legs! And
I’m gonna mash him into a little tiny ball! A little
tiny baby ball! And I’m gonna bounce him up and
down the field! I’m gonna bounce him and I’m
gonna rough him up! I’m gonna bounce him around
and treat him like the worthless piece of woos-
wood that he is!”
ALLLL RIGHT! TELL HIM! YOU GO
EMPEROR! TELL HIM!
“And that’s not all I’m a-gonna do! Oh, no
Captain! My Captain! You’d best not come
looking for me! ‘Cause I’m gonna take that little
baby ball that was the big bad Cap-eee-tan—yeah!
And I’m gonna take my big, heavy stick here! And
I’m gonna toss that baby ball up! I’m gonna toss
that baby ball up and I’m a gonna whack it! I’m
gonna hit it harder and farther than any warrior has
ever hit anything before! Right through the roof!
Right through the roof!”
YEAHHHHH! YEAHHHHHH!
YEAHHHHHH! YEAHHHHHH!
The Emperor stood there, looking enraged.
There he stood huffing and puffing as he pointed
at a distant point far above.
“Right through the roof I tell ya!” said The
Emperor. “So don’t come around here Cabin Boy!
Don’t come around here if you know what’s good
for you!”
He’s here! The Captain’s here!
Look this way, Emperor! The Captain’s here!
He says he’s not scared of you!
The Captain says you’d best watch your
mouth Emperor!
The crowd began to push Brownbeard down
towards the field. Now that The Emperor had
finished with his tirade, the commotion around
Brownbeard began to be noticeable throughout the
coliseum. Slowly, as Brownbeard and the For Sale
gang were carried along towards the field, The
Emperor and the other rock jackers began to look
towards the hubbub making its way towards them.
The Emperor looked over at a werewolf near him
and shrugged his shoulders questioningly. The
werewolf looked confused as well, and leaned
over to whisper something in The Emperor’s ear.
To which The Emperor looked very surprised and
even more confused. The werewolf just shook its
head and shrugged its shoulders in answer to The
Emperor’s confusion.
There was a brief flash of fear over The
Emperor’s face. But then he regained his
composure. Taking the microphone again, The
Emperor went to confront the crowd of people
approaching. There in the center of the throng, was
an eccentric looking chap in strange garb. No, this
strange fellow did not have ten arms and ten legs.
No, he was not covered with horrid, matted gray
hair. No, he did not have long fangs. But The
Emperor knew. There was something about this
person. This was The Captain! It wasn’t just
rumor. It was true.
“So Captain!” announced The Emperor. “You
finally decided to show up!”
Brownbeard was waving and high-fiving the
fanatical crowd that was clamoring, trying to break
past the entourage of folks that had taken it upon
themselves to become The Captain and his crew’s
bodyguards.
“Make way! Make way fools!” shouted the
bug-frog program seller.
“Well, you may be worthless and weak,”
intoned The Emperor, “But apparently you’re not
as worthless and weak as we all had thought! Get
yourself on down here, El Cap-eee-tahn!”
Onto the field poured Brownbeard’s self-
proclaimed bodyguards who were met by The
Emperor’s personal security police. A path
opened up and through it walked Brownbeard onto
the field, waving to the crowd as they booed and
cheered and cheered and booed.
Hazel, Wilbert, Schmoor, and Kumquat were
escorted to special seats right next to the field.
Brownbeard, brimming with hubris and
confidence, walked towards the giant figure of
The Emperor of Sa’Laam. The Emperor stepped
towards Brownbeard. It appeared the two would
begin to fight right there. The noise from the
crowd was deafening. No one in The Empire, not
even the other rock crushing warriors, had ever
seen a spectacle like this.
This night was going to be one to remember.
Not a single person, beast, or monster could watch
The Captain and The Emperor approach one
another without a chill of excitement, mixed with a
splash of terror, run up their spine, or notochord,
or whatever they happened to have if they didn’t
happen to have a spine.
Wilbert gave their tickets to the collector as they
walked into the coliseum. The scene was as
chaotic as any the crew had witnessed while
walking through the city. A creature with big red
bug’s eyes and black and blue skin, looking sort
of like a praying mantis, and sort of like a frog,
screamed at everyone and held above its head a
stack of pamphlets.
“Programs! Git yer programs!” yelled the bug-
frog at Brownbeard.
So Brownbeard did.
“Dat ‘il be twenty drahma,” said the creature.
“What?” Brownbeard exclaimed. “I just ate a
delicious meal for not much more than that! Five
drahma.”
The creature looked at Brownbeard, its eyes
bugging out even more.
“Scuse me fool!” shouted the creature as it
snatched the program out of Brownbeard’s hands.
“Twenty drahma. This ain’t no negotiation.”
“All right,” smiled Brownbeard. “Ten, no
more.”
“Git outta here!” shouted the bug-frog.
“Programs! Git yer programs! Programs! Git yer
programs!”
“Twelve-and-a-half,” said Brownbeard.
“Captain,” said Wilbert, tugging at
Brownbeard’s coat. “That’s not how this works.”
“Brownbeard!” hissed Hazel, “Cut it out and
let’s get going!”
“How embarrassing,” moaned Kumquat.
Schmoor just shook his little sock head and hid
his face in his hands.
“I know what I’m doing,” Brownbeard said to
his crew. “Just relax. Okay friend, twelve-and-a-
half. Really, look at what you’re selling there. It’s
a thin little newspaper of some sort. It can’t be
worth all that.”
“Man! Git outta my face, dude!” screamed the
bug-frog. “I ain’t givin’ you nothin’ for no
discount!”
Beings all around began to look towards the
scene unfolding around the program seller.
Brownbeard just laughed, shook his head, and
said, “You drive a hard bargain my friend. All
right fifteen. But that’s my final offer. What do
you say?”
“Programs! Git yer programs! Git outta here!
Programs! Git yer programs! I said git!”
“You haven’t answered me,” said Brownbeard.
“Fifteen. How about it?”
Hazel grabbed at Brownbeard, as did the rest
of the For Sale crew, and began to drag him away.
Creatures, human-looking and not, watched and
laughed at the scene before them.
“I’m really sorry,” said Hazel to the program
seller.
“Let go!” ordered Brownbeard. “Cut it out!”
“You cut it out!” said Hazel as she and the
gang continued to pull Brownbeard away.
“Yeah! You had better take him away! Before I
call the police!” shouted the program seller.
“See, Captain? You almost blew our plan!”
said Wilbert. “We don’t want to get thrown out of
here.”
Brownbeard shook loose and angrily shouted
at his crew, “I know what I’m doing! I can’t
believe you’d embarrass me like that! Pulling me
away like I’m a raving lunatic!”
“Embarrass you!” shouted Hazel. “How dare
you? You are the one causing us embarrassment.
What has gotten into you?”
“What’s gotten into me? What’s gotten into
me?” asked Brownbeard stepping menacingly
towards Hazel. “I’m The Captain? Aren’t I Hazel?”
“Well, you’re a captain,” Hazel answered.”
Brownbeard looked at Hazel with contempt. “I
don’t need you,” said Brownbeard.
Then he gazed around at his other crew with
the same withering look. In turn, he addressed
each, saying, “I don’t need you. I don’t need you.
And I certainly don’t need you.”
The gang stared at Brownbeard in fascination
and horror. The plan—the great path to riches and
notoriety—was falling apart. Brownbeard was
going nuts. Everything was disintegrating right
before their very eyes.
“I don’t need you. I don’t need you! I don’t
need you! I don’t need any of you!” screamed
Brownbeard as loud as he could, and in the
cacophony of the hallway in which they stood, all
manner of creature stopped and stared at the
weirdo shouting that he did not need any of them.
“Do you know why I don’t need you?” asked
Brownbeard in a booming voice, stepping with
particular menace towards the woman he had once
found so beautiful and charming.
Hazel just shook her head, wishing she could
just disappear. Certainly she could have, since she
was a sand witch. Perhaps she was so humiliated
and embarrassed that her magical powers were
rendered useless. Or was there something else?
“Because!” howled Brownbeard in a voice that
filled all of the great hall as he drew his sword and
pointed to a large banner that hung high above and
read in Sa’Laami, Fo Chaiwa Doogee Kapitain? “I
am The Captain! And The Captain needs no one!”
With that, Brownbeard raced over to the
program seller, snatched all of the programs from
out of the bug-frog’s hands, threw them in the air,
and speared them with his sword on their was
back down. A shish-kabob! Then, Brownbeard
handed the poor, startled creature three-hundred
drahma for the ten programs he had skewered.
“Keep the change friend,” Brownbeard said.
From the crowd that was circled about and
watching these antics came shouts, catcalls, and
questions.
Who is this guy?
Say’s he’s The Captain.
Yeah, right!
Where are the police? He needs to be locked
away.
You don’t look like The Captain!
“You got some half-drahmas on you?”
Brownbeard asked the program seller. “Give me
six.”
The program seller nodded and cautiously
handed Brownbeard six shiny coins. Snapping his
stick out of his belt, Brownbeard took a deep
breath, curled his tongue, pulled up his left leg,
and crossed his eyes.
Ew! That’s grotesque!
Daddy! What’s wrong with that man?
Police! Police!
No! Get a doctor!
What a freak!
Brownbeard tossed three of the six coins high,
high above his head. They sailed up to the rafters
of the huge hall. Then, in rapid succession,
Brownbeard tossed the other three coins up and
pelted them. Smack! Smack! Smack! Each hit coin
made a beeline for its target. Ping! Ping! Ping!
Down sailed the first three coins Brownbeard had
tossed. Everyone scattered out of the way as the
coins clanged down upon the floor. Then they
raced to see what had happened.
Look! Look!
Oh, My! Oh, My!
Son of a gun! He really is The Captain!
The Captain’s here! The Captain’s here!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
You the man, Captain!
There on the ground lay the three coins
Brownbeard had tossed to the rafters, each
smoking hot from being shot nearly in half by
Brownbeard’s dead accurate swats. But the heat
burning their fingertips didn’t stop the clamor as
the folks all around fought one another, trying to
get hold of one of the souvenirs.
Brownbeard stepped over to the stack of
programs he had skewered and in one fluid
motion, withdrew his sword and gathered the
pamphlets. Then, he handed the programs to a
group of starry-eyed children gathered around who
were too small to engage in the tussle with the
adults for the three coins. One of the little children
handed Brownbeard a pen. Brownbeard
autographed each child’s copy. The crowd
‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ in admiration. With brisk
steps, Brownbeard walked over to rest of the gang
from the For Sale. He looked at them.
“You guys ready, or not?” he asked.
The gang slowly shook their collective heads
in the affirmative.
“Then let’s go,” ordered Brownbeard.
With that, he snapped around on one heel and
headed for the closest gate leading to the playing
field of the coliseum. His crew dutifully followed.
The crowd of gawkers and admirers swarmed
after Brownbeard and his small entourage as they
entered the stands far above the field. Ushers tried
to stop Brownbeard and the crowd that followed.
But a group of die-hard fans, including the
program seller, appointed themselves The Captain’
s handlers. This newly created group of hardcore
supporters raced to the front and proceeded to
shout and push and clear a path before the For
Sale gang. The outnumbered ushers relented.
Make way! Make way! It’s The Captain!
Make way! Make way! It’s The Captain!
More and more people and beasts joined the
shouting and pushing, even those who had not seen
Brownbeard’s antics in the hallway. Even those
who had absolutely no idea what the shouting was
about joined in. It was quite the scene.
Make way! Make way! It’s The Captain!
Make way! Make way! It’s The Captain!
Then, Brownbeard and his crowd stopped.
They all looked far down to the field below.
There, the great stick wielders of The Empire
casually stretched and flexed their muscles as the
stands filled. Even from this far above,
Brownbeard could see one rock smacker was
bigger and more powerful than the rest. His arms
bulged like tree trunks. His muscular legs were
like the marble pillars on the Parthenon. Even
from this far above, Brownbeard recognized the
short, spikey black hair, the dull green skin with
splotches of blue and yellow, and the gleaming
white teeth. There, far below—yet so close—was
the wealthiest, most powerful being in the entire
Milky Way—The Emperor of Sa’Laam.
At that moment, as if on cue, to warm up the
nearly full coliseum, The Emperor walked over to
a microphone and spoke to the crowd.
“How are my people doing today?” asked The
Emperor in a sonorous voice.
The crowd cheered and roared for their
beloved leader.
“Ha! Ha! Good! Good!” answered The
Emperor, as he winked and waved at some
dignitaries sitting in a box somewhere close to the
field.
“I hope you’re ready to see some of the
greatest rock smackers of all time, including the
greatest ever!” shouted The Emperor.
The crowd roared.
“Including the greatest to ever live and will
ever live—”
YEAHHHHH! YEAHHHHH! WOOOOO-
HOOOOO!
“Wha? Who? Lil’ ole me?” asked The
Emperor with a smile and a gleam in his eye.
YEAHHHHH! YEAHHHHH! YOU DA MAN
EMPEROR! YEAHHHH!
“Ha! Ha! You people are great! That’s why I
love this little corner of the Cosmos, you know
what I’m sayin’?” asked The Emperor, looking
back at the other rock whackers, who all smiled
back and laughed and waved at the crowd.
WOOOOH! WOOOOH! AAAAAAH!
YEAHHHHH! WOOOOOO!
“Now listen up people,” said The Emperor.
YEAHHHHH! WOOF-WOOF-WOOF! YOU
DA MAN! YEAHHHH!
“I know, I know. But listen up now. This is
serious. My job as head-of-state sometimes means
I’ve got to get down to business. And you, my
people, have a right to know when something is
not quite right.”
ALLLL RIGHT! YEAHHHHHH! WOOOO!
WOOOO! AAAAAGH!
“See, there is this fellow rumored to be running
about this here Empire of ours, calling himself
The Cabin Boy or something.”
Now a mixture of cheers and boos could be
heard throughout the huge coliseum. The folks
around Brownbeard gave the loudest cheer. The
hairs on Brownbeard’s head stood on edge with
excitement.
“And this here Cabin Boy is running around
our Empire smacking things left and right, and
harassing livestock, and acting like he’s the man
or something!”
WOOOOO! YOU DA MAN! BOOOO!
YEAAAAAH! GO CAPTAIN!
“And reports tell me this little boy’s got ten
arms and ten legs and two heads and is covered
with fur and has large fangs and thinks he’s a big
shot!” shouted The Emperor. “And so he thinks he
can hit rocks like a big boy! Well, let me tell ya
something people! This here Cabin Baby don’t got
nothing! If he had something, he would be right
here! Right now! You know what I’m saying?”
The crowd was now in a frenzy. They loved it
when their Emperor talked like that. Human or
not—man, woman, and child—everyone was high-
fiving one another and toasting one another and
screaming frantically. And the rock banging had
not even begun!
The crowd around Brownbeard was shouting to
be heard above the din.
Yo! The Captain is here! He’s right here!
Hey! Emperor! Look here! Up here!
The Emperor, getting into it himself, strutted
around the field and high-fived the other warriors.
“But let me tell you something people!” said
The Emperor. “And this is serious. This Cabin
Baby best not come around here, you know what I’
m saying? Because if I see him—if I see this
Cabin Baby—you know what I’m a going to do?”
TELL US! YEAAAHHH! TELL US! YOU DA
MAN!
“I’m gonna grab hold of his ten baby arms!
And I’m gonna grab hold of his ten baby legs! And
I’m gonna mash him into a little tiny ball! A little
tiny baby ball! And I’m gonna bounce him up and
down the field! I’m gonna bounce him and I’m
gonna rough him up! I’m gonna bounce him around
and treat him like the worthless piece of woos-
wood that he is!”
ALLLL RIGHT! TELL HIM! YOU GO
EMPEROR! TELL HIM!
“And that’s not all I’m a-gonna do! Oh, no
Captain! My Captain! You’d best not come
looking for me! ‘Cause I’m gonna take that little
baby ball that was the big bad Cap-eee-tan—yeah!
And I’m gonna take my big, heavy stick here! And
I’m gonna toss that baby ball up! I’m gonna toss
that baby ball up and I’m a gonna whack it! I’m
gonna hit it harder and farther than any warrior has
ever hit anything before! Right through the roof!
Right through the roof!”
YEAHHHHH! YEAHHHHHH!
YEAHHHHHH! YEAHHHHHH!
The Emperor stood there, looking enraged.
There he stood huffing and puffing as he pointed
at a distant point far above.
“Right through the roof I tell ya!” said The
Emperor. “So don’t come around here Cabin Boy!
Don’t come around here if you know what’s good
for you!”
He’s here! The Captain’s here!
Look this way, Emperor! The Captain’s here!
He says he’s not scared of you!
The Captain says you’d best watch your
mouth Emperor!
The crowd began to push Brownbeard down
towards the field. Now that The Emperor had
finished with his tirade, the commotion around
Brownbeard began to be noticeable throughout the
coliseum. Slowly, as Brownbeard and the For Sale
gang were carried along towards the field, The
Emperor and the other rock jackers began to look
towards the hubbub making its way towards them.
The Emperor looked over at a werewolf near him
and shrugged his shoulders questioningly. The
werewolf looked confused as well, and leaned
over to whisper something in The Emperor’s ear.
To which The Emperor looked very surprised and
even more confused. The werewolf just shook its
head and shrugged its shoulders in answer to The
Emperor’s confusion.
There was a brief flash of fear over The
Emperor’s face. But then he regained his
composure. Taking the microphone again, The
Emperor went to confront the crowd of people
approaching. There in the center of the throng, was
an eccentric looking chap in strange garb. No, this
strange fellow did not have ten arms and ten legs.
No, he was not covered with horrid, matted gray
hair. No, he did not have long fangs. But The
Emperor knew. There was something about this
person. This was The Captain! It wasn’t just
rumor. It was true.
“So Captain!” announced The Emperor. “You
finally decided to show up!”
Brownbeard was waving and high-fiving the
fanatical crowd that was clamoring, trying to break
past the entourage of folks that had taken it upon
themselves to become The Captain and his crew’s
bodyguards.
“Make way! Make way fools!” shouted the
bug-frog program seller.
“Well, you may be worthless and weak,”
intoned The Emperor, “But apparently you’re not
as worthless and weak as we all had thought! Get
yourself on down here, El Cap-eee-tahn!”
Onto the field poured Brownbeard’s self-
proclaimed bodyguards who were met by The
Emperor’s personal security police. A path
opened up and through it walked Brownbeard onto
the field, waving to the crowd as they booed and
cheered and cheered and booed.
Hazel, Wilbert, Schmoor, and Kumquat were
escorted to special seats right next to the field.
Brownbeard, brimming with hubris and
confidence, walked towards the giant figure of
The Emperor of Sa’Laam. The Emperor stepped
towards Brownbeard. It appeared the two would
begin to fight right there. The noise from the
crowd was deafening. No one in The Empire, not
even the other rock crushing warriors, had ever
seen a spectacle like this.
This night was going to be one to remember.
Not a single person, beast, or monster could watch
The Captain and The Emperor approach one
another without a chill of excitement, mixed with a
splash of terror, run up their spine, or notochord,
or whatever they happened to have if they didn’t
happen to have a spine.
The Adventures of Short Stubbly Brownbeard
Alan J. Levine
* * *
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Buy yer hard copy
at . . .
at . . .
Want to support
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.