Just as The Emperor and The Captain prepared to
meet face-to-face—well, face-to-belly would be
more like it—a pointy eared fellow with slicked
back hair, pale skin, and pointy fangs in a tux
stepped between the two combatants.
“Now hold on right there fellas,” said the
vampire, as it spoke into a mike. “Let’s not be
uncivil towards one another. We don’t want that,
do we?”
BOOOOOO! LET ‘EM FIGHT! GET OUT
OF THE WAY!
“Look, I’m a peaceful person,” said The
Emperor as the vampire held its microphone up so
the large man might speak. “I’m not the one who
started this nonsense, going all over the
countryside, scaring the good citizens of Sa’Laam
with outrageous antics.”
Brownbeard just shook his head in disbelief.
How did these ridiculous stories start, and then
spread so fast? The For Sale had not been in Sa’
Laam for even a week! They had only been in Too
Poo Loo and on the Bingabong prior to entering
the capital city, not all over the countryside.
“Now, as leader of my people,” continued The
Emperor, “I can’t stand idly by and watch them
being terrorized without stepping in and doing
something about it!”
The Emperor turned and waved a menacing
finger at Brownbeard.
YEAHHHHH! YOU TELL HIM EMPEROR!
WOOOO! WOOOO!
“We’re a peace loving people here in Sa’
Laam—” said The Emperor.
KILL HIM! KILL THE CAPTAIN! RIP HIM
APART! YEAHHHH!
“—but when you mess with our civil society—
when you take advantage of our good nature—
when you go into a hen house and start juggling
poor, helpless hens—well, let me tell you
something Captain! The people of Sa’Laam don’t
take kindly to that!”
AAAAAAGH! YEAAAHHHH! WOOOOH-
HOOOOO! KILL HIM!
“If the truth be told, and I’m a truthful kind of
Emperor, it makes us kind of mad! I get especially
kind of mad! I—I—I—just—can’t—control—
myself—AAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
The Emperor flexed his huge tree-trunk arms
and screamed a deafening roar into the vampire’s
microphone, which almost drowned out the
enraged fans in the coliseum. His dull green skin
with streaks of blue and yellow now turned every
color of the rainbow, as the veins in his thick neck
and on his forehead bulged and throbbed.
Brownbeard was finding it very hard to keep his
cool.
The Emperor turned towards him! It appeared
that The Emperor was going to dash the vampire
announcer to the side with one casual toss of the
hand, and then shred Brownbeard to pieces. The
vampire waved his hands in protest, but it was
clearly scared and was in no position to prevent
The Emperor from destroying Brownbeard.
“Now, now there, Emperor, Sir—take it easy—
we have etiquette and decorum to maintain—”
said the vampire as it shirked back from the
hulking form of its enraged leader.
“I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!”
Closing his eyes, Brownbeard recited a last
prayer before he died at the hands of this horrible
maniac. The plan was really about to come to an
end. The Emperor dashed the vampire to the side.
His eyes, which had been large black orbs, were
now yellow flame with cat slits for pupils. Indeed,
The Emperor came for Brownbeard. He snatched
Brownbeard up by the shoulders and shook him
vigorously—like one might shake a bottle of
Italian dressing before pouring it on a salad. The
Emperor screamed in rage. Brownbeard’s ears
pulsed painfully.
The Emperor then dropped Brownbeard who
fell with a plop onto his tuckus. Opening his eyes,
Brownbeard watched as The Emperor ran in
circles that wound tighter and tighter, until finally,
the massive hulk was spinning like a top! The
coliseum rocked and roared. The Emperor
stopped spinning and stood momentarily
motionless—large stick held high above his head,
and in the other hand a large rock. The Emperor
threw the rock up and hit it with tremendous
authority. The rock sailed higher and higher,
farther and farther, until it disappeared into the
bleachers way on the other side of the coliseum.
Brownbeard looked in amazement as a large
picture window showed people and beasts, where
the rock had landed, fighting and smacking and
punching one another to get the souvenir. The
Emperor stomped back and glared down at
Brownbeard.
“Well? What have you got to say for yourself
Cabin Boy?” asked The Emperor.
The vampire motioned to Brownbeard to get
up and say something. Brownbeard slowly picked
himself up. The vampire stuck the microphone in
Brownbeard’s face. Brownbeard gazed around the
huge coliseum. He looked and saw not too far
from where he stood Hazel and the rest of the For
Sale gang. He could not tell by the looks on their
faces whether they were terrified for him, or
greatly amused.
“Ummm, well—” began Brownbeard
inauspiciously.
“Come on now Captain,” said the vampire.
“Speak up and tell the good folk of Sa’Laam what
The Captain is all about.”
The Emperor just stood there, arms crossed
with a supremely smug look spread across his
face. The Emperor then turned to the other rock
bonkers and pointed back towards Brownbeard
with his thumb, and shook his head as if to say,
“Look at this guy, will ya? What a chump!”
The other rock bopping warriors just smiled
and laughed it up. The majority of the crowd was
clearly getting more and more behind The
Emperor.
YOU DA MAN, EMPEROR! WHO’S THE
CAPTAIN? WHO CARES?
“I’d just like to say,” started Brownbeard, “that
I have not done any of the horrible deeds
attributed to me over the past several days.”
BOOOOO! BOOOOO! GET OUTTA HERE
CABIN BOY! BOOOO!
“Ah—well, it’s just that I certainly respect the
peaceful people of Sa’Laam and would never
juggle chickens, toss cows into the air, or
otherwise harass farm animals.”
YOU STINK CABIN BOY! BOOOOOOO!
BOOOOO! GO AWAY!
Brownbeard scratched his head and pulled at
his eyebrow.
The Emperor, leaning into the microphone and
pointing at Brownbeard’s paper maché eyebrow
said, “Nice false eyebrow there, Cabin Baby! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha!”
The crowd erupted in laughter. The large
picture windows all over the coliseum showed a
humiliated Brownbeard as the entire place laughed
at him, while booing and jeering him
simultaneously. A very nervous and deflated
Brownbeard looked over at his crew. They were
the only one’s not laughing. Hazel looked
genuinely worried. Kumquat looked deeply
embarrassed, and if kitty cats could be beet red,
she certainly would be. Wilbert was clenching his
teeth and banging his fists upon the rail before
him. Schmoor appeared the most concerned of all,
with a tiny tear of worry appearing at the corner of
his eye. He dabbed at it with the tip of his sock
hat.
“Don’t let these guys down,” Brownbeard
thought. Then, three other people whom
Brownbeard had not thought of in a long while
came to his mind. Mom, Dad, and B.B. Mom and
Dad would never approve of his being a pirate,
but if a pirate was what he was going to be, they
would certainly want him to be the very best. And
B.B. would certainly want his cousin to fight the
good fight until the bitter end. Some courage
began to course again through Brownbeard’s
veins. He grabbed the microphone from out of the
vampire’s hand and began to walk towards the
stands.
“Okay you rude, impolite, brutish bunch of
louts,” Brownbeard began. “You don’t like my
paper maché eyebrow? Well guess what? It doesn’
t like you either!”
Brownbeard pointed into the stands as he said
this, scowling and grimacing. There was venom in
his voice. The crowd responded.
YEAAAAHHHH! TELL IT! TELL IT! COME
ON BIG BAD CABIN BABY!
“As for my terrorizing the poor little chickens
and heifers of Sa’Laam, and all the other things I’
ve done while visiting your backwater shanty
town—I just gotta ask, ‘What took you so long to
notice?’ I mean, these stories of my misdeeds
have been circulating for only about a week now,
and I’ve been here a hundred days! And the good
people of Sa’Laam just noticed? You’ve gotta be
the dumbest bunch of hee-haws in the Cosmos!
Good grief!”
BOOOOOO! YEAAAAHHHHH! WOOOOH-
HOOOO! YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH
CABIN BOY! YEAAAAAHHHHH! GO CABIN
BOY! KILL HIM EMPEROR! YOU DA MAN!
WOOF-WOOF-WOOF! YEAHHHHHHHH!
The Emperor was clearly livid over
Brownbeard’s insults directed towards his people,
questioning their intellect and powers of
observation. He went to step around the vampire,
but now the vampire was able to restrain him.
They were arguing and The Emperor was pointing
and gesticulating wildly in Brownbeard’s
direction. But the little blood-sucker was doing an
admirable job restraining his large leader! Fights
and brawls were beginning to breakout in the
stands as fans of The Captain began to engage
The Emperor’s loyalists.
“Let me tell you people something!” shouted
Brownbeard as he walked with self- assured,
measured steps to-and-fro before the stands. “Let
me tell you good, kind people of Sa’Laam
something!”
Brownbeard added just the right amount of
derision and sarcasm to his voice as he taunted
the coliseum.
“Your Emperor there is just like the lot of you!
I’ve seen some pitiful specimens during my
travels through your terribly exciting—yawn—
country! He’s just an impressively large mass of
hot air! I hope nobody ever sticks a tack on his
imperial seat before he sits down! Hoooo! Hoooo!
‘Cause if they did—POP! There would be no
place to hide when The Emperor’s hide was flying
out of control all over this place, propelled by
nothing more than noxious fumes! Pee-yoo!”
Brownbeard pinched his nose to emphasize his
point. At this, The Emperor was screaming to be
heard. He waved his arms frantically, yelling and
howling at the vampire to let him by. The rock
clunkers on the field were starting to yell at and
scream at and push one another. The crowd in the
stands was on the verge of civil war.
HOW DARE YOU! YOU WANT A PIECE
OF ME? COME UP HERE AND SAY THAT!
BOOOOOO! KILL HIM! KILL CABIN BABY!—
YEAAAAHHHH! GO CAPTAIN! YOU DA
MAN! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! WOOF-WOOF-
WOOF!
“Aaaah! I’m sick of talking,” said Brownbeard
waving his hand at the crowd in disgust. “And I’m
sick of blowhards,” said Brownbeard pointing
directly at The Emperor, who froze in mid-tirade,
and then began to tirade again. “The Captain is a
man of few words and much action! It’s time to
show all of you what I’m all about!”
With that, Brownbeard walked over to a
pyramid of perfectly shaped rocks, each a
polished, gleaming sphere. He picked the one on
the top. He then drew his stick. There was an
audible gasp in the coliseum as everyone prepared
to watch what they had all heard about.
Brownbeard tossed the rock up. It arched just a
few feet above his head. As it came down,
Brownbeard took a huge swing. The rock fell with
a thud on the ground as Brownbeard missed and
spun out of control, falling face first in the grass.
The coliseum blew up.
YOU STINK! BOOOOOO! CABIN BABY!
CABIN BABY! BOOOOOO!
The Emperor looked disgusted. He pushed
aside the vampire to get at Brownbeard, but then
turned and walked away as if he could not bear to
watch such a lousy display of ineptitude. Or was
that a tremendous display of ineptitude?
Brownbeard lifted his head from the ground,
spitting out a chunk of turf. He pushed himself up
and dusted himself off. His paper maché eyebrow
was hanging crooked. He felt at and straightened it
out as best he could. The crowd booed and
booed. Brownbeard picked up his stick and the
rock. He took a deep breath and readied to try
again.
Toss. Swing. Miss. Thud!
The boos swept over the field in tremendous
waves. The Emperor and the other rock rackers
were alternately doubled over in laughter or
sickened with disgust. The vampire announcer too
joined in the dual display of amazed amusement
and nagging nausea. The large picture windows
showed Brownbeard yet again face first in the dirt,
slowly pushing himself up.
BOOOOOO! GO AWAY! YOU’RE
HORRIBLE! BYE-BYE, BABY!
Once again, Brownbeard gathered himself
together, picked up his stick and rock, and
prepared to give it another try.
“Somebody stop him!” said The Emperor into
the microphone. “I can’t bear to watch this. It’s
embarrassing.”
“I agree,” said the vampire. “Can we get
security to take this schmoe off the field and let
the real rock rangers get to work?”
Security officers began to walk on the field
towards Brownbeard, looking like they wanted not
only to drag his behind off the field, but rough him
up for wasting their time. The security personnel
were also motioning to the For Sale gang that it
was time to leave. Hazel and the gang protested,
but the crowd was booing and throwing used
paper cups and food wrappers at them.
Brownbeard looked over their way and caught
Hazel’s eye. She looked at him in desperation. He
winked at her and gave her a slight smile.
Brownbeard hefted the rock in one hand and
the stick in the other. The security guards were
just a few feet away from grabbing him.
Brownbeard took a deep, cleansing breath. He
curled his tongue. He pulled up his left leg so that
he stood only upon his right foot. He crossed his
eyes. The picture windows displayed this absurd
image all over the coliseum.
GET HIM OFF THE FIELD! BOOOOOOO!
WHAT A WEIRDO!
The security personnel stopped short of
grabbing Brownbeard as they observed this vision
of stupidity before them. Tears of laughter
streamed from their eyes. Brownbeard tossed the
rock high over head. It stopped in mid-air, hanging
for an instant, then fell back towards the ground.
Brownbeard snapped his stick-wielding arm in a
lightening fast, yet graceful motion.
CRACK!
The rock sailed off the stick and like a rocket,
took off in the same direction as The Emperor’s
shot. Higher, higher, and higher. The rock soared
towards the ceiling of the coliseum far above.
Then slowly, it began its descent. Down, down,
down it fell. The entire place was silent as it
traveled. It landed in the stands several paces
beyond where The Emperor’s mighty shot had hit.
The coliseum erupted in celebration. The Captain
was indeed The Captain.
meet face-to-face—well, face-to-belly would be
more like it—a pointy eared fellow with slicked
back hair, pale skin, and pointy fangs in a tux
stepped between the two combatants.
“Now hold on right there fellas,” said the
vampire, as it spoke into a mike. “Let’s not be
uncivil towards one another. We don’t want that,
do we?”
BOOOOOO! LET ‘EM FIGHT! GET OUT
OF THE WAY!
“Look, I’m a peaceful person,” said The
Emperor as the vampire held its microphone up so
the large man might speak. “I’m not the one who
started this nonsense, going all over the
countryside, scaring the good citizens of Sa’Laam
with outrageous antics.”
Brownbeard just shook his head in disbelief.
How did these ridiculous stories start, and then
spread so fast? The For Sale had not been in Sa’
Laam for even a week! They had only been in Too
Poo Loo and on the Bingabong prior to entering
the capital city, not all over the countryside.
“Now, as leader of my people,” continued The
Emperor, “I can’t stand idly by and watch them
being terrorized without stepping in and doing
something about it!”
The Emperor turned and waved a menacing
finger at Brownbeard.
YEAHHHHH! YOU TELL HIM EMPEROR!
WOOOO! WOOOO!
“We’re a peace loving people here in Sa’
Laam—” said The Emperor.
KILL HIM! KILL THE CAPTAIN! RIP HIM
APART! YEAHHHH!
“—but when you mess with our civil society—
when you take advantage of our good nature—
when you go into a hen house and start juggling
poor, helpless hens—well, let me tell you
something Captain! The people of Sa’Laam don’t
take kindly to that!”
AAAAAAGH! YEAAAHHHH! WOOOOH-
HOOOOO! KILL HIM!
“If the truth be told, and I’m a truthful kind of
Emperor, it makes us kind of mad! I get especially
kind of mad! I—I—I—just—can’t—control—
myself—AAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
The Emperor flexed his huge tree-trunk arms
and screamed a deafening roar into the vampire’s
microphone, which almost drowned out the
enraged fans in the coliseum. His dull green skin
with streaks of blue and yellow now turned every
color of the rainbow, as the veins in his thick neck
and on his forehead bulged and throbbed.
Brownbeard was finding it very hard to keep his
cool.
The Emperor turned towards him! It appeared
that The Emperor was going to dash the vampire
announcer to the side with one casual toss of the
hand, and then shred Brownbeard to pieces. The
vampire waved his hands in protest, but it was
clearly scared and was in no position to prevent
The Emperor from destroying Brownbeard.
“Now, now there, Emperor, Sir—take it easy—
we have etiquette and decorum to maintain—”
said the vampire as it shirked back from the
hulking form of its enraged leader.
“I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
AAAAAGGGGGHHHH!”
Closing his eyes, Brownbeard recited a last
prayer before he died at the hands of this horrible
maniac. The plan was really about to come to an
end. The Emperor dashed the vampire to the side.
His eyes, which had been large black orbs, were
now yellow flame with cat slits for pupils. Indeed,
The Emperor came for Brownbeard. He snatched
Brownbeard up by the shoulders and shook him
vigorously—like one might shake a bottle of
Italian dressing before pouring it on a salad. The
Emperor screamed in rage. Brownbeard’s ears
pulsed painfully.
The Emperor then dropped Brownbeard who
fell with a plop onto his tuckus. Opening his eyes,
Brownbeard watched as The Emperor ran in
circles that wound tighter and tighter, until finally,
the massive hulk was spinning like a top! The
coliseum rocked and roared. The Emperor
stopped spinning and stood momentarily
motionless—large stick held high above his head,
and in the other hand a large rock. The Emperor
threw the rock up and hit it with tremendous
authority. The rock sailed higher and higher,
farther and farther, until it disappeared into the
bleachers way on the other side of the coliseum.
Brownbeard looked in amazement as a large
picture window showed people and beasts, where
the rock had landed, fighting and smacking and
punching one another to get the souvenir. The
Emperor stomped back and glared down at
Brownbeard.
“Well? What have you got to say for yourself
Cabin Boy?” asked The Emperor.
The vampire motioned to Brownbeard to get
up and say something. Brownbeard slowly picked
himself up. The vampire stuck the microphone in
Brownbeard’s face. Brownbeard gazed around the
huge coliseum. He looked and saw not too far
from where he stood Hazel and the rest of the For
Sale gang. He could not tell by the looks on their
faces whether they were terrified for him, or
greatly amused.
“Ummm, well—” began Brownbeard
inauspiciously.
“Come on now Captain,” said the vampire.
“Speak up and tell the good folk of Sa’Laam what
The Captain is all about.”
The Emperor just stood there, arms crossed
with a supremely smug look spread across his
face. The Emperor then turned to the other rock
bonkers and pointed back towards Brownbeard
with his thumb, and shook his head as if to say,
“Look at this guy, will ya? What a chump!”
The other rock bopping warriors just smiled
and laughed it up. The majority of the crowd was
clearly getting more and more behind The
Emperor.
YOU DA MAN, EMPEROR! WHO’S THE
CAPTAIN? WHO CARES?
“I’d just like to say,” started Brownbeard, “that
I have not done any of the horrible deeds
attributed to me over the past several days.”
BOOOOO! BOOOOO! GET OUTTA HERE
CABIN BOY! BOOOO!
“Ah—well, it’s just that I certainly respect the
peaceful people of Sa’Laam and would never
juggle chickens, toss cows into the air, or
otherwise harass farm animals.”
YOU STINK CABIN BOY! BOOOOOOO!
BOOOOO! GO AWAY!
Brownbeard scratched his head and pulled at
his eyebrow.
The Emperor, leaning into the microphone and
pointing at Brownbeard’s paper maché eyebrow
said, “Nice false eyebrow there, Cabin Baby! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha!”
The crowd erupted in laughter. The large
picture windows all over the coliseum showed a
humiliated Brownbeard as the entire place laughed
at him, while booing and jeering him
simultaneously. A very nervous and deflated
Brownbeard looked over at his crew. They were
the only one’s not laughing. Hazel looked
genuinely worried. Kumquat looked deeply
embarrassed, and if kitty cats could be beet red,
she certainly would be. Wilbert was clenching his
teeth and banging his fists upon the rail before
him. Schmoor appeared the most concerned of all,
with a tiny tear of worry appearing at the corner of
his eye. He dabbed at it with the tip of his sock
hat.
“Don’t let these guys down,” Brownbeard
thought. Then, three other people whom
Brownbeard had not thought of in a long while
came to his mind. Mom, Dad, and B.B. Mom and
Dad would never approve of his being a pirate,
but if a pirate was what he was going to be, they
would certainly want him to be the very best. And
B.B. would certainly want his cousin to fight the
good fight until the bitter end. Some courage
began to course again through Brownbeard’s
veins. He grabbed the microphone from out of the
vampire’s hand and began to walk towards the
stands.
“Okay you rude, impolite, brutish bunch of
louts,” Brownbeard began. “You don’t like my
paper maché eyebrow? Well guess what? It doesn’
t like you either!”
Brownbeard pointed into the stands as he said
this, scowling and grimacing. There was venom in
his voice. The crowd responded.
YEAAAAHHHH! TELL IT! TELL IT! COME
ON BIG BAD CABIN BABY!
“As for my terrorizing the poor little chickens
and heifers of Sa’Laam, and all the other things I’
ve done while visiting your backwater shanty
town—I just gotta ask, ‘What took you so long to
notice?’ I mean, these stories of my misdeeds
have been circulating for only about a week now,
and I’ve been here a hundred days! And the good
people of Sa’Laam just noticed? You’ve gotta be
the dumbest bunch of hee-haws in the Cosmos!
Good grief!”
BOOOOOO! YEAAAAHHHHH! WOOOOH-
HOOOO! YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH
CABIN BOY! YEAAAAAHHHHH! GO CABIN
BOY! KILL HIM EMPEROR! YOU DA MAN!
WOOF-WOOF-WOOF! YEAHHHHHHHH!
The Emperor was clearly livid over
Brownbeard’s insults directed towards his people,
questioning their intellect and powers of
observation. He went to step around the vampire,
but now the vampire was able to restrain him.
They were arguing and The Emperor was pointing
and gesticulating wildly in Brownbeard’s
direction. But the little blood-sucker was doing an
admirable job restraining his large leader! Fights
and brawls were beginning to breakout in the
stands as fans of The Captain began to engage
The Emperor’s loyalists.
“Let me tell you people something!” shouted
Brownbeard as he walked with self- assured,
measured steps to-and-fro before the stands. “Let
me tell you good, kind people of Sa’Laam
something!”
Brownbeard added just the right amount of
derision and sarcasm to his voice as he taunted
the coliseum.
“Your Emperor there is just like the lot of you!
I’ve seen some pitiful specimens during my
travels through your terribly exciting—yawn—
country! He’s just an impressively large mass of
hot air! I hope nobody ever sticks a tack on his
imperial seat before he sits down! Hoooo! Hoooo!
‘Cause if they did—POP! There would be no
place to hide when The Emperor’s hide was flying
out of control all over this place, propelled by
nothing more than noxious fumes! Pee-yoo!”
Brownbeard pinched his nose to emphasize his
point. At this, The Emperor was screaming to be
heard. He waved his arms frantically, yelling and
howling at the vampire to let him by. The rock
clunkers on the field were starting to yell at and
scream at and push one another. The crowd in the
stands was on the verge of civil war.
HOW DARE YOU! YOU WANT A PIECE
OF ME? COME UP HERE AND SAY THAT!
BOOOOOO! KILL HIM! KILL CABIN BABY!—
YEAAAAHHHH! GO CAPTAIN! YOU DA
MAN! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! WOOF-WOOF-
WOOF!
“Aaaah! I’m sick of talking,” said Brownbeard
waving his hand at the crowd in disgust. “And I’m
sick of blowhards,” said Brownbeard pointing
directly at The Emperor, who froze in mid-tirade,
and then began to tirade again. “The Captain is a
man of few words and much action! It’s time to
show all of you what I’m all about!”
With that, Brownbeard walked over to a
pyramid of perfectly shaped rocks, each a
polished, gleaming sphere. He picked the one on
the top. He then drew his stick. There was an
audible gasp in the coliseum as everyone prepared
to watch what they had all heard about.
Brownbeard tossed the rock up. It arched just a
few feet above his head. As it came down,
Brownbeard took a huge swing. The rock fell with
a thud on the ground as Brownbeard missed and
spun out of control, falling face first in the grass.
The coliseum blew up.
YOU STINK! BOOOOOO! CABIN BABY!
CABIN BABY! BOOOOOO!
The Emperor looked disgusted. He pushed
aside the vampire to get at Brownbeard, but then
turned and walked away as if he could not bear to
watch such a lousy display of ineptitude. Or was
that a tremendous display of ineptitude?
Brownbeard lifted his head from the ground,
spitting out a chunk of turf. He pushed himself up
and dusted himself off. His paper maché eyebrow
was hanging crooked. He felt at and straightened it
out as best he could. The crowd booed and
booed. Brownbeard picked up his stick and the
rock. He took a deep breath and readied to try
again.
Toss. Swing. Miss. Thud!
The boos swept over the field in tremendous
waves. The Emperor and the other rock rackers
were alternately doubled over in laughter or
sickened with disgust. The vampire announcer too
joined in the dual display of amazed amusement
and nagging nausea. The large picture windows
showed Brownbeard yet again face first in the dirt,
slowly pushing himself up.
BOOOOOO! GO AWAY! YOU’RE
HORRIBLE! BYE-BYE, BABY!
Once again, Brownbeard gathered himself
together, picked up his stick and rock, and
prepared to give it another try.
“Somebody stop him!” said The Emperor into
the microphone. “I can’t bear to watch this. It’s
embarrassing.”
“I agree,” said the vampire. “Can we get
security to take this schmoe off the field and let
the real rock rangers get to work?”
Security officers began to walk on the field
towards Brownbeard, looking like they wanted not
only to drag his behind off the field, but rough him
up for wasting their time. The security personnel
were also motioning to the For Sale gang that it
was time to leave. Hazel and the gang protested,
but the crowd was booing and throwing used
paper cups and food wrappers at them.
Brownbeard looked over their way and caught
Hazel’s eye. She looked at him in desperation. He
winked at her and gave her a slight smile.
Brownbeard hefted the rock in one hand and
the stick in the other. The security guards were
just a few feet away from grabbing him.
Brownbeard took a deep, cleansing breath. He
curled his tongue. He pulled up his left leg so that
he stood only upon his right foot. He crossed his
eyes. The picture windows displayed this absurd
image all over the coliseum.
GET HIM OFF THE FIELD! BOOOOOOO!
WHAT A WEIRDO!
The security personnel stopped short of
grabbing Brownbeard as they observed this vision
of stupidity before them. Tears of laughter
streamed from their eyes. Brownbeard tossed the
rock high over head. It stopped in mid-air, hanging
for an instant, then fell back towards the ground.
Brownbeard snapped his stick-wielding arm in a
lightening fast, yet graceful motion.
CRACK!
The rock sailed off the stick and like a rocket,
took off in the same direction as The Emperor’s
shot. Higher, higher, and higher. The rock soared
towards the ceiling of the coliseum far above.
Then slowly, it began its descent. Down, down,
down it fell. The entire place was silent as it
traveled. It landed in the stands several paces
beyond where The Emperor’s mighty shot had hit.
The coliseum erupted in celebration. The Captain
was indeed The Captain.
The Adventures of Short Stubbly Brownbeard
Alan J. Levine
* * *
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Buy yer hard copy
at . . .
at . . .
Want to support
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.
children's literature?
That's great! But
instead, why don't you
go to the followin'
links to buy yer own
miserable copy of
Brownbeard and
support Pirates
Anonymous? We've
been assisting pirates
with mental health and
hygiene issues since
1633. Brownbeard is
also available to
schools and libraries
through wholesalers
like Follett, Ingram,
and Baker & Taylor.