All towns by the sea have a bad part of
town, where pirates and bandits and
scoundrels of all shapes and sizes gather
under cover of night to do their pirating
and banditing and scoundreling. As
Blackbeard and Brownbeard walked, the
two cousins caught each other up on the
things that had been going on in their
lives. In hushed tones, Brownbeard told
his famous relative about life at New
Ferry University, and Blackbeard told
his not-so-famous kin about his latest
adventures. They arrived at the
Barbarous Parrot. As they entered a
dark and smoky room, several
dangerous and dubious looking
characters slowly rose from their chairs,
bowing their heads ever so slightly.
town, where pirates and bandits and
scoundrels of all shapes and sizes gather
under cover of night to do their pirating
and banditing and scoundreling. As
Blackbeard and Brownbeard walked, the
two cousins caught each other up on the
things that had been going on in their
lives. In hushed tones, Brownbeard told
his famous relative about life at New
Ferry University, and Blackbeard told
his not-so-famous kin about his latest
adventures. They arrived at the
Barbarous Parrot. As they entered a
dark and smoky room, several
dangerous and dubious looking
characters slowly rose from their chairs,
bowing their heads ever so slightly.
“At ease men,” boomed Blackbeard. “I want ye to meet me most favorite,
dearest, bestest best cousin . . . Brownbeard.”
“Hail, Brownbeard,” said the men.
Brownbeard waved, whispering, “B.B., I’m your only cousin.”
“Yes,” Blackbeard agreed, “But what’s the difference?”
With that, Blackbeard and Brownbeard walked to a private room prepared by
the keeper of the tavern and sat to a grand table loaded with the bounty of the
sea. There were shrimps and clams and oysters and fishes and crabs and all
manner of delicacies broiled and grilled and fried and sautéed. It all smelled
so good.
“What will you gentlemen be drinking?” asked the tavern keeper.
“We’ll have something fit for pirates of course!” said Blackbeard.
“Hot chocolate?” asked the keeper.
Blackbeard peered questioningly at his cousin. Brownbeard smiled, nodding
his head in approval.
“Two large hot chocolates my man,” ordered Blackbeard.
“Coming right up,” said the keeper.
The hot chocolates came. The cousins feasted and drank. After a bit,
Blackbeard became serious and looked hard at his cousin. Brownbeard
gulped. Something was coming. They were here to talk business after all.
“Laddy, you’ve come a long way since you were a scrawny, puny,
pusillanimous, weak, small, tiny, inconsequential, infinitesimal,
microscopic . . .”
“Okay! Okay!” said Brownbeard. “I get the point!”
“Yes,” said Blackbeard, “Of course ye do. So now you’re a man. I have
taken the liberty - and I hope ye don’t mind - of obtaining a copy of your
transcripts from New Ferry University.”
“What!” exclaimed Brownbeard.
“And I must say,” continued Blackbeard, “that you’ve earned excellent marks.”
“Gee, thanks B.B. But how in the world could you of all people get a copy of
my grades? They’re only supposed to be given out with my permission!”
Blackbeard gave a sly chuckle, winking at his young, after-midnight-snacking
partner.
“Remember cuz that I be a pirate. The greatest pirate of all time at that. The
anemones and cuttlefish, the eel and grouper, the shark and dolphin, all obey
me voice. Only Leviathan heeds me not! But ye mark me words - before I be
through, that beast will obey or me name isn’t Blackbeard!” roared the pirate,
slamming his fist into the table like a tidal wave smashing a ship trapped at
dock.
Each and every plate on the table jumped up two inches, then fell and danced
and clattered about in a clingy, clangy cacophony. The keeper raced into the
room to make sure everything was all right. Brownbeard was pale as glacial
ice.
“Aye! Me good man,” said Blackbeard to the keeper in a calm tone, “We be
fine.” Turning to his not-yet-calm cousin, Blackbeard continued, “I’m a bit
curious though cuz about that B in Differential Equations. I would’ve pegged
ya for an ‘A.’ ”
“Well. . .ummm. . .ahhh,” stammered Brownbeard, who finally managed to say,
“B.B., that course was really tough! I did my best. I studied very hard. I
swear!”
“Can ye can look me right in this here eye,” said the pirate, holding a finger up
to his unpatched orb, “and tell me it wasn’t nine-pins and women folk who
waylaid your course?” Leaning his impressive frame towards Brownbeard like
the Grand Inquisitor, Blackbeard’s voice dripped with accusation.
“Yes, B.B.,” said Brownbeard, “I swear! I swear on my own grave, I do!”
“Aaagh! I should bound and gag that fibbin’ mouth right now and then let me
hear ya swear!” shouted Blackbeard.
Brownbeard shrank back terrified. His famous cousin had obviously managed
to keep tabs on his doings while he was at his studies - or otherwise. He’d
been caught in a lie by the biggest, baddest pirate of all time. They might be
cousins, but Brownbeard was sure Blackbeard was prepared to do him in.
A low rumbling could be heard coming from the pirate’s belly. The rumbling
grew and grew and shook right through Blackbeard’s entire body until the giant
was shaking with laughter, his face red as cherry beets. He was laughing so
hard he couldn’t breathe!
“Ahhhhhh - hoooooo!” Blackbeard yelled out, finally managing to catch some
air. “A lyin’ son-of-the-sea you’ll be! A-sailin’ and a-railin’ right next to me!”
Flabbergasted, Brownbeard stared at his cousin.
“Laddy, ye can never lie to me. I know everything that goes on in this town
and every other place within the pelican’s range - from New Ferry to Boston,
from Hammerfest to Cape Town. So don’t try fooling me again cuz. Can ye
and I agree? No lies shall come between us?”
Brownbeard nodded in assent. It took courage for him to meet the gaze of
Blackbeard’s sea-wise, single eye. Relinquishing his hard tone, Blackbeard cut
to the chase.
“Now look cuz - I know ye have offers comin’ to ya from this firm and that,
and that even the King wants your services. Well, I be here to say that I needs
ya, too.”
Brownbeard puzzled a moment at this, then stated the obvious.
“B.B., I’m a mathematician. The offers I’m getting are for things like
accounting apprenticeships.”
“Exactly!” interrupted Blackbeard. “I need an accountant! Ye wouldn’t
believe the booty we’ve hauled just the previous fiscal year. You’ve heard of
pieces-of-eight laddy?”
“Sure.”
dearest, bestest best cousin . . . Brownbeard.”
“Hail, Brownbeard,” said the men.
Brownbeard waved, whispering, “B.B., I’m your only cousin.”
“Yes,” Blackbeard agreed, “But what’s the difference?”
With that, Blackbeard and Brownbeard walked to a private room prepared by
the keeper of the tavern and sat to a grand table loaded with the bounty of the
sea. There were shrimps and clams and oysters and fishes and crabs and all
manner of delicacies broiled and grilled and fried and sautéed. It all smelled
so good.
“What will you gentlemen be drinking?” asked the tavern keeper.
“We’ll have something fit for pirates of course!” said Blackbeard.
“Hot chocolate?” asked the keeper.
Blackbeard peered questioningly at his cousin. Brownbeard smiled, nodding
his head in approval.
“Two large hot chocolates my man,” ordered Blackbeard.
“Coming right up,” said the keeper.
The hot chocolates came. The cousins feasted and drank. After a bit,
Blackbeard became serious and looked hard at his cousin. Brownbeard
gulped. Something was coming. They were here to talk business after all.
“Laddy, you’ve come a long way since you were a scrawny, puny,
pusillanimous, weak, small, tiny, inconsequential, infinitesimal,
microscopic . . .”
“Okay! Okay!” said Brownbeard. “I get the point!”
“Yes,” said Blackbeard, “Of course ye do. So now you’re a man. I have
taken the liberty - and I hope ye don’t mind - of obtaining a copy of your
transcripts from New Ferry University.”
“What!” exclaimed Brownbeard.
“And I must say,” continued Blackbeard, “that you’ve earned excellent marks.”
“Gee, thanks B.B. But how in the world could you of all people get a copy of
my grades? They’re only supposed to be given out with my permission!”
Blackbeard gave a sly chuckle, winking at his young, after-midnight-snacking
partner.
“Remember cuz that I be a pirate. The greatest pirate of all time at that. The
anemones and cuttlefish, the eel and grouper, the shark and dolphin, all obey
me voice. Only Leviathan heeds me not! But ye mark me words - before I be
through, that beast will obey or me name isn’t Blackbeard!” roared the pirate,
slamming his fist into the table like a tidal wave smashing a ship trapped at
dock.
Each and every plate on the table jumped up two inches, then fell and danced
and clattered about in a clingy, clangy cacophony. The keeper raced into the
room to make sure everything was all right. Brownbeard was pale as glacial
ice.
“Aye! Me good man,” said Blackbeard to the keeper in a calm tone, “We be
fine.” Turning to his not-yet-calm cousin, Blackbeard continued, “I’m a bit
curious though cuz about that B in Differential Equations. I would’ve pegged
ya for an ‘A.’ ”
“Well. . .ummm. . .ahhh,” stammered Brownbeard, who finally managed to say,
“B.B., that course was really tough! I did my best. I studied very hard. I
swear!”
“Can ye can look me right in this here eye,” said the pirate, holding a finger up
to his unpatched orb, “and tell me it wasn’t nine-pins and women folk who
waylaid your course?” Leaning his impressive frame towards Brownbeard like
the Grand Inquisitor, Blackbeard’s voice dripped with accusation.
“Yes, B.B.,” said Brownbeard, “I swear! I swear on my own grave, I do!”
“Aaagh! I should bound and gag that fibbin’ mouth right now and then let me
hear ya swear!” shouted Blackbeard.
Brownbeard shrank back terrified. His famous cousin had obviously managed
to keep tabs on his doings while he was at his studies - or otherwise. He’d
been caught in a lie by the biggest, baddest pirate of all time. They might be
cousins, but Brownbeard was sure Blackbeard was prepared to do him in.
A low rumbling could be heard coming from the pirate’s belly. The rumbling
grew and grew and shook right through Blackbeard’s entire body until the giant
was shaking with laughter, his face red as cherry beets. He was laughing so
hard he couldn’t breathe!
“Ahhhhhh - hoooooo!” Blackbeard yelled out, finally managing to catch some
air. “A lyin’ son-of-the-sea you’ll be! A-sailin’ and a-railin’ right next to me!”
Flabbergasted, Brownbeard stared at his cousin.
“Laddy, ye can never lie to me. I know everything that goes on in this town
and every other place within the pelican’s range - from New Ferry to Boston,
from Hammerfest to Cape Town. So don’t try fooling me again cuz. Can ye
and I agree? No lies shall come between us?”
Brownbeard nodded in assent. It took courage for him to meet the gaze of
Blackbeard’s sea-wise, single eye. Relinquishing his hard tone, Blackbeard cut
to the chase.
“Now look cuz - I know ye have offers comin’ to ya from this firm and that,
and that even the King wants your services. Well, I be here to say that I needs
ya, too.”
Brownbeard puzzled a moment at this, then stated the obvious.
“B.B., I’m a mathematician. The offers I’m getting are for things like
accounting apprenticeships.”
“Exactly!” interrupted Blackbeard. “I need an accountant! Ye wouldn’t
believe the booty we’ve hauled just the previous fiscal year. You’ve heard of
pieces-of-eight laddy?”
“Sure.”
“Wonderfully odd ”
- www. bilgemunky.com
- www. bilgemunky.com
Buy yer copy at . . .
Alan J. Levine
* * *
Chapter Three - A Modest Proposal
“We’ll we’ve got pieces-of-more multiplied by four! Dubloons, triploons,
quadruploons of platinum, gold, silver, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, lapis lazuli
- the list goes on and on! A hundred ships couldn’t carry it all. It’s buried all
over the world in places no mortals besides me and me crew know. I tell you
cuz, keepin’ track of what we got and what we still gots to get is givin’ me a
sore ache in the head.”
“But B.B.,” protested Brownbeard, “I’m not an accountant! Not yet. I don’t
know how to handle the books for any business, let alone a pirate operation!
I’ve only been offered apprenticeships.”
“Aaaaach! P’toowey,” spat Blackbeard.
“Prenticeship-schmenticeship! That’s what I says! Whatever I needs ya to
know I’ll show ya. For a smart guy like yourself it shant be hard. So whaddya
say?”
Blackbeard extended his hand to Brownbeard for a manly shake and hearty
welcome to a position of serious responsibility, aboard the most prestigious
pirating operation in all the world.
quadruploons of platinum, gold, silver, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, lapis lazuli
- the list goes on and on! A hundred ships couldn’t carry it all. It’s buried all
over the world in places no mortals besides me and me crew know. I tell you
cuz, keepin’ track of what we got and what we still gots to get is givin’ me a
sore ache in the head.”
“But B.B.,” protested Brownbeard, “I’m not an accountant! Not yet. I don’t
know how to handle the books for any business, let alone a pirate operation!
I’ve only been offered apprenticeships.”
“Aaaaach! P’toowey,” spat Blackbeard.
“Prenticeship-schmenticeship! That’s what I says! Whatever I needs ya to
know I’ll show ya. For a smart guy like yourself it shant be hard. So whaddya
say?”
Blackbeard extended his hand to Brownbeard for a manly shake and hearty
welcome to a position of serious responsibility, aboard the most prestigious
pirating operation in all the world.